I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gonna stop, I'm gonna work harder*

     Guess what?? ... I made it! I survived an entire semester back at school after... Well... A rough patch. This was not the easiest time of my life being back here. And I definitely was not fearless the entire time but overall I conquered some demons and have been moving upwards and onwards since August. I wanted to write because it's been awhile - plus I'm in the middle of studying so obviously I need something to distract myself! 

      This time last year I was a train wreck. I had put myself through more than I ever thought I would and I was weak. I had put myself into a horrible spot in school and I had practically given up. One thing that makes life so interesting though is that right when you think there is not a way to get out, someone usually grabs your hand and pulls you through it. That happened to me. I was able to stop and look around and realize how much I still had going for me. I am grateful for the hands that grabbed me. They know who they are even if they do not read this. Anyway, I'm not trying to look back at my mistakes anymore. That's why I'm writing this because for the first time in about a year I am proud of myself. 


       Proud of myself. Wow. I haven't really thought about it that way, but it is true. I was able to walk back into school this year with my head held high. I was able to look people in the eyes that have hurt me and smile. I have been able to forgive. I have been able to... Well... Survive. I'm not saying I was perfect - far from it. I messed up some, I made some mistakes, but through it all I have been able to remember who I am. Honestly that's why I'm proud. Sure, I could have done a better job at some things but that's not what life is about. It's not about being perfect. It's not even about being close to perfect. Life is also not about being a victim... It's mostly about living and learning, even through the most miserable experiences life throws your way. I have found that I can survive quite a bit and that the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is one of the most true. That sounds so corny but sometimes you need to be a little corny. 


       Never in my life have I worked harder at surviving as I did this semester. But I wasn't drowning trying to get out of the water like I was last year. I was just fighting and pushing through... So I guess in a way I wasn't surviving, but I was fighting. This semester of school was not easy. Especially because this time last year I was not going to classes and had checked out mentally, pair that with taking a semester off and sitting on my couch and I was definitely hit with a culture shock. But I refused to let it stop me. I worked harder than I ever have to get the grades I have, at times it did not pay off and at other times it really paid off. Hopefully it all pays off in the end, but even if it does not I know I did my absolute best. That's all that should really matter anyway, is trying your best and putting your best effort into what ever you do.


        I am so excited to be home tomorrow, honestly even more excited than last year. I can not wait to be surrounded by my family again. I am excited to relax and sleep, and not have a worry in the world. I think I have deserved it after all I have fought through this semester. I really was fearless through most of it - and that deserves some celebrating! This has not been the easiest semester to face. I knew I would see people I did not want to, I knew I would have to do well in school, and I knew I would be facing most of it alone. Not to say I didn't have friends here to back me up or family at home to call but I also knew I would, most days, be fighting and pushing by myself. I really was a fighter and I am so much stronger in my own beliefs and ideas than I was last year, or even two years ago. I think that is what is so amazing about life... It can push you around, beat you up, make you cry, laugh, want to just give up... But if you keep breathing, if you keep looking up, if you keep dreaming you can survive anything. And not just a weak, small recovery kind of survival, no. I'm talking about a strong, tough, ready to handle anything kind of survival. How amazing is that? I'll tell you... It's unbelievable. 


        I sometimes still get dizzy thinking about where my life was this time last year but I am so grateful that I was able to hold on. I am so glad I was able to pull myself out of the hole i had dug and that I have been just wiping the dirt off of me since I pulled myself out of it. I know all I have to do now is just continue to fight and I will be okay. Even better than okay. I will be great. But in the mean time I am just proud of myself. For coming back here. For facing all of my fears all at once. For putting myself out there. For getting hurt. For coming out braver than I have ever been. For just being me. And that is definitely something to be proud of. Just being me. 

Every now and then we find a special friend, who never lets us down, who understands it all, reaches out each time you fall, you're the best friend that I've found.*

     There are so many things I could say about these five. We have gone through more in the past four years than I can even explain. We have found love, found heartbreak, laughed, cried, fought, sweat, and played our favorite sport together. You may think this is corny, you may think it's weird but we really have become sisters in the past four years. We suited up for the last time together last week, and have said good bye to that section of our friendship but I know we will forever be there for each other which is why we are sisters, not just teammates. 

       I decided to steal some words from one of my favorite songs that could express my feelings correctly... So here is to five of my best friends, five of my teammates, five of my sisters. 

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you

 So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good

The more I know, the less I understand, all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again... I think it's about forgiveness*

      A year ago today, everything changed. 

      A year ago today, I was weak.

      A year ago today, I thought I had lost my best friend.

      A year ago today, I couldn't rely on myself. 

      A year ago today, I had my heart broken. 

      Now I have already done enough blogging about my last relationship and this is not going to be about that but as I looked at my calendar this week I realized it was exactly a year ago today that I really was broken. I was not strong in the months or days leading up to that day but on that day I just gave up.

I was convinced I was losing my best friend.

 I was convinced I was losing someone I loved.

 I was convinced I would never be able to walk away completely. 

          Turns out, I was wrong. I wasn't losing my best friend because I still had her. My real best friends stayed by my through everything I put myself and them through. A real best friend wouldn't have put me through hell and then acted like the victim. I realize now I wasn't losing someone I truly loved. I was losing someone who had become all I thought I had. I was in love at points of our relationship but looking back I'm not sure how deep that love went. It definitely wasn't fully reciprocated. And I was definitely wrong about never being able to walk away. As hard as it was to walk away from the one person I relied on constantly it was such a healthy decision that was made that I can be nothing but grateful for that. 


        The road back has been a tough one and I am not here to say being back at school has been a walk in the park. It actually has been pretty tough most days. I live in the same building as last year, across from where he used to live, my volleyball schedule parallels everything that happened last year (down to the games being against the same teams and everything) which constantly reminds me of different situations last year, I see people I never wanted to see again every day, and I haven't been one hundred percent fearless at every moment. However, I was never looking to be perfect. That is literally impossible. What I wanted was to be fearless and to try my hardest every day to remember that I am stronger than I was last year, stronger than I have been in years. I know now that I don't need to rely on anyone else for my own happiness, my own happiness can't come from someone else solely because when that person vanishes it gets messy. 


       Time really does heal all wounds but there is another thing that has to come with time and that is forgiveness. In all honesty I haven't forgiven him. One of my best friends who always tells me the truth called me out on it the other day. Not that he wanted me to talk to him and forgive him face to face, but inside of me I have to forgive him. I have to fully accept that he did hurt me and did abandon me, I still need to forgive him because otherwise I won't be able to fully become fearless. It is so much easier to say than to do. Especially when I see all the mistakes I made daily and am constantly reminded of my darkest days, but I need to forgive him in order to move on with my life completely. Don't get me wrong - I have moved on from the relationship completely, but I need to move on in other ways. 


       I read the book Eat, Pray, Love this summer thinking it would inspire me and motivate me but really it made me irritated. I hated the "Love" section of the book. Why? Because she spends the entire book complaining about her ex and talking about how she doesn't believe in love anymore and then she falls in love with the first person that offers her a second look. I loved the book up until that point. She was so strong and independent and had forgiven her ex of everything he had done and then it felt like she threw it all away for some boy. I know I may be overreacting but I also feel that it bothered me mostly because I need to find my own closure and happiness without a boy attached to it. I have been way to dependent on that throughout my life. And it's time to be content by myself even when I am surrounded by people or opportunities (not just hanging out at home with my dog).


      I know I am rambling, I doubt this even makes sense, but I needed to get it out. I need to start forgiving the people who have hurt me and continue to forgive myself. And that list starts with me, goes on for quite some time but it ends with me too. In all of this I need to remember that I am already forgiven and my family and friends love me regardless of what I do or who I become. So instead of dwelling on the past of what today has meant I will focus on the future of what today will mean... 
     
      Today, I will start to forgive.

So take a deep breath and jump then fall*

    To be fearless. What does that mean? Well, I ended my first post of this blog saying that I would be fearless when I went back to school in the fall. That was a very easy thing to say in February when I had a whole six months to do some healing and soul searching and to just figure out my life. Now? I leave for school tomorrow. As in nine hours from right now. The question is... Am I fearless? 


     Honestly I think I am. If you recall fearless does not mean I am invincible. Let's face it, no one is, or ever will be. But I know I can face all that I have on my plate for this semester. For sure I am scared. I have butterflies in my stomach, and my toes and my throat but I'm not petrified. I know that I am a different person than I was in February. I know that I am a stronger person. I know that I have a support team who will catch me if I think I'm falling. And those facts make me fearless. 


      Tomorrow is going to be weird. The next few weeks are going to be weird and awkward and uncomfortable but I need to go through them. Why? Because life isn't about the fall. It's about getting back up and fighting for yourself. And that's what I have to do tomorrow. I have to take a deep breath and jump. I know there will be people I won't want to see that I will and things that remind me of the mistakes I made but I also know that those people and those mistakes don't define me anymore. Reality is they never did. I just let them. I'm too strong to let that happen again. 


       I honestly don't know what tomorrow will bring, besides a few happy reunions with my teammates and some boring paperwork. And I'm okay with that. I think it's good for me not to know what lies ahead of me. It's good for me to literally take one day at a time and figure out what I want to do. It's good for me to feel like I could throw up I'm so nervous but to keep my head up and still go. This semester and summer have been pretty challenging for me. The semester before this one was even more challenging but I have been able to grow up. I have been able to figure out who I am. Who I want to be. Who I need around me to be that person. I have been able to heal. Inside and out. I no longer have a torn elbow. I no longer have a discombobulated mind. I no longer have a damaged soul. And, I no longer have a broken heart. And that is what life is all about. Being fearless enough to take time to heal. But life is also about realizing when it's time to move on and let go. And that is what time it is for me. 


        This is definitely not my last blog post. I may have some moments where I am not fearless but that's okay. I may be completely fearless all semester. And that's okay too. Whatever happens though I know I am ready to face it. Head on. So now it's time for me to take a deep breath and look my fears in the eyes and be okay. And I know I will be okay. And that is what makes life so beautiful... 

I'm not ashamed to say, I hope it always will stay this way*

    You know the old saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone"...? Well I feel that right now. Not about a person. About five people. And really a sport. For those of you who don't know I tore my UCL (which is a ligament in my elbow) in September playing the sport I love, volleyball. I played through the injury and after season was put in a horrific looking contraption that restricts my movement. It's my bionic arm. Literally. Anyway I haven't been able to play volleyball since November. NOVEMBER!! It's June now. That is a long time. Anyway, this season coming up is my last one. My last volleyball season ever. It freaks me out. A lot. Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself, let's start from the beginning...


      I started playing volleyball in eight grade. I was tall so my cousin told me to come to a Wednesday night volleyball clinic thing. I had never played the sport once in my whole life but I fell in love. Turns out I was pretty good too. I was no Misty May but I was kind of a natural. Don't ask me how, because it still baffles me. So, I started to play. I really needed something to occupy my time because, if you recall, I had just moved from Budapest and I hated it here and wasn't really making any friends. Now you see volleyball is the biggest team sport in the world I believe. It really is all about the team. It doesn't matter if you have a good spiker, if your setter is no good, that girl isn't getting the ball. And if your defense is bad the setter can't set... It really goes in a circle. You can't win a game or even survive one if your whole team isn't on their A game. So joining volleyball going into my freshman year I found myself. It was amazing. I could let out every frustration or emotion I was feeling on the court. And to top it off I made friends. Nothing made me happier than getting a kill or blocking a girl older than me. I loved it. I fell head over heels in love with the game. I realized that playing in college was actually an option for me so I made it my goal. When I have a goal in mind or something I want I usually don't stop trying until I get it. So that brings me to college... 


       I started college with five best friends waiting for me. I didn't know these girls before I got there. I met them day one. How did I know we would be best friends? Because they were my teammates. My coach recruited six girls my freshman year (five other than myself of course) and we knew we were going to take the team to new heights. Four of us lived in the same building and the other two practically moved in. And I really do mean that, they lived in that building more than their own rooms. We bonded right away. Obviously throughout the years it hasn't been a walk in the park - we've fought and bickered and given each other the silent treatment - but in the end I know that if I were ever having a bad day, I could call any of them and they would drop everything to help me. How do I know that? Because it's happened before! As corny as this sounds I'm going to say it. Those five girls are honestly like my sisters. We don't all hang out twenty-four-seven but I know I will have them in my life forever. Being away from them this semester has been so hard for me. I never realized how much I do depend on them and just enjoy being around them until I couldn't just take five steps for a hug in sweatpants or go on a late night coffee run. I am so very excited to go back for our last season all together but it also makes me sad that it is our last season, our last chance to do it right. To win games, to beat rivals, to maybe even win the conference... It's kind of overwhelming to think that all our dreams are right in our grasp, at the tips of our fingers. Waiting for us to meet them. 


     Anyway I also just miss the sport. I haven't played in FOREVER and I realize that since freshman year of high school I have always defined myself as a volleyball player! It's just who I am, what I love to do... And I can't do it right now! It's horrible watching people play or seeing my volleyball collecting dust in my room. It kills me to think I have to wait potentially another month... Volleyball has always healed me. Even at my lowest points I have fought through them with this sport, and not having it for part of this semester I really think sent me spiraling out of control. Okay, I'm not dumb, volleyball is not THE reason I has the semester I did but it was part of the reason for sure. I didn't have all my anger come out in a spike or feel satisfaction of getting a floor burn or even the feeling of huddling up and cheering at the end of a point! OH to feel that again! I literally have butterflies in my stomach... I'm chomping at the bit to play! I think I've taken it for granted too... I never realized how amazing it is to play in college or how amazing it is that out of nowhere I was blessed with the skills I have to play the sport I love. And I never realized how blessed and honored I am to have the teammates I have. The sisters I have. 


      So let the countdown begin... 76 more days until I will be the happiest girl in the world sweating and practically dying during preseason! I can't wait! 

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. And everything will be fine*

        I have always had a sense of people. How to please them. How to get them to like me. How to interact with them. It all started when I was little. I was always comfortable with talking to adults and people I had never met. I liked impressing them. I moved about ten times before I hit junior high school so I was used to starting over and reinventing myself as I met new people. Sadly because of that I don't think I ever really found who I am. I think at times in my life I have had a great grasp of who I am or what I want to do with my life, so on and so forth, but at the same time I have been trying to impress or please people since I was little so I don't think I ever went through the self discovery process until recently.


        I can remember as a kid knowing that because I was a minister's daughter that there was a certain way I should act. This wasn't put on me by my parents or anyone else but myself really. I wanted to be that "good girl" who is talked about throughout all the churches throughout the world. I know, I know I was a bit of a drama queen and was a little self absorbed. But nevertheless that's what I wanted with my life. To be known and "famous." So while all the other kids I knew were figuring out who they were I was figuring out how to be that perfect little girl that everyone held up as an example. (kind of stupid of me since I was so little) Anyway, by the time we moved to Budapest I was sick of moving. Like really done with it. I decided that I would be myself there. Whether that meant I was crazy and weird or boring and dull. And it was great. I made a lot of friends and I felt like myself. When we had to leave it was so hard for me I morphed back into my "people pleasing" ways.


       I was always a different person with every group of friends I was with. I think most teenagers kind of go through this stage, trying to find themselves and their friends. But I was afraid to actually show who I was. Instead I just floated along, only a few people were able to see the "true me" even though I wasn't really sure who that was. Anyway fast forward through college and to where I am now... 


       This past semester even though it was some of the darkest and hardest days of my life I am so grateful for them because it truly helped me figure out who I am. Not that I have it all figured out - I don't really think you ever figure that out completely. But at the end of the semester I had distanced myself from everyone in my life. And although I wish I hadn't because I really hurt people it was the first time in pretty much my whole life that I was alone. And although I didn't really like it, I also realized it was good for me. Since then I've been home. And although I have made amends with my friends I hurt, most of the day I am alone. My sister is at school, my parents are at work. It's just me and my dog. So lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching and just trying to figure out who I am. I'm not sure I have figured it all out but I do know these few things to be true: 


   1. I don't let people in easily, but when I do let someone in I put all of my energy and time into them. Whether that's being a friend or girlfriend or babysitter or sister or cousin or grandchild, etc... I love too hard sometimes and that makes me susceptible to some heartbreak but I would rather have some heartbreak every once and awhile than to never feel love. 
    2. I love the rain. And the sunshine. And I only like snow between December 22-27. 
    3. I love volleyball and have never realized how much I could miss playing it as much as I do now. 
    4. I want to make a difference in the life of at least one child. I want to be a behavioral aid for children with development disorders (such as Autism and ADHD etc etc) and I would love to help at least one child to not only accept their disorder but to realize that they are perfect the way they are (and help them to control their disorder) 
     5. I want to have ethnic children. But I also don't want to have children for a long, long time. 
     6. I am trying to figure out what I believe about God and my faith and all that. For me. Not for people around me or my family or anyone else but myself. 
     7. Going back to school scares me to the point where I can stop breathing, but it also makes me really excited. 
     8. I have an online shopping addiction. Literally an addiction. 
     9. I love my family more than anything in the world and I literally think we are the best family out there. I know I'm technically biased but I really think we are so great. 
     10. I buy things like notebooks, books, notecards, and pens like it's my job and then usually never open the books, never write in the notebooks, nor use the notecards. 
     11. I have an extreme love for all things Christina Aguilera. I could listen to her for hours and hours (and I usually do). 
     12. I have the worst luck with phones. They tend to just give up on life when I get them in my possession. 


      So I know those are random and may not be too "life changing" to you but for me it's nice to understand little parts about myself so that I can figure out more and more about myself. I don't think the journey of finding yourself is really ever over but for now I am happy with what I have found out about myself. 

Sometimes the only way is jumping, hope you're not afraid of heights*

       So it's been awhile. A long while. There are a few reasons for that. I got my wisdom teeth out (all four impacted) which really knocked me out for about three weeks. I couldn't eat or drink or really do anything so blogging was really low on my list of things to do. But I kind of used that as an excuse too, you see I was feeling a lot emotionally and I didn't really know what to do with it all. I have about five started posts that I never finished. Over the past month (ish) I have been doing really well and really bad at different times. I don't know how this post will turn out but bear (bare? which one is it??) with me through it. 


       Ok so this past semester I really put myself through a lot. No one else put me through it. It was all on me. I got my heart broken pretty badly but instead of dealing with the pain I instantly made myself numb (I know I explained this before but I'm getting somewhere new I promise). Anyway I meant to make myself numb and then move on, without ever dealing with the pain. But instead of slowly feeling things I just got deeper and deeper into a numbness that literally scares me now looking back. I tried everything and anything to make myself feel anything, whether that was joy, sorrow, pain, anything... But nothing worked, I just got deeper and deeper lost in a black hole that was my heart and my mind. I felt lousy, but that doesn't even properly describe how I felt because I didn't even feel that. I literally was numb inside. I didn't care about my classes, I didn't care about my friends, I didn't care abut my body, I didn't care about myself. I really harmed myself and some of my closest friends. I wasn't communicating with my family or anyone. I was weaving a web of lies that was so thick I literally couldn't see anything. This isn't the first time I have shut off my feelings to get over a painful experience, but it is the first time that I have let the numbness take over me instead of being in control of it all.


         When I came home from this semester my family could obviously see something was wrong with me, the light was out of my eyes. I had lost that light in mid October and it wasn't really coming back. Anyway I talked to my parents and decided to take the semester off and I've been working on myself since. But because I turned my feelings off for so long, I have started feeling more and more. At first it was good, I was able to control what I felt and what I didn't. I was slowly peeling back layers of myself and experiencing things how I wanted to. Then it kind of got overwhelming. I felt like I was so exposed and honestly I felt like a burn victim. I've heard that if you get burned bad enough all your nerves which your skin protects are exposed and it is the worst pain in the world. Hopefully I don't literally ever feel that, but I was feeling that emotionally for sure. I felt like the "skin" that was protecting me (in other words the numbness and stubbornness) had been burned off in a huge fire. It was scary for me. I started to feel all the things I had been looking to feel all semester - guilt, sorrow, joy, pain, wanted, unwanted, loved, scared - but it was all at once instead of piece by piece. It really knocked the wind out of me, literally. 


         So what did I do? Was I fearless or brave and face all these emotions head on? Nope. I shut down. I still am a little shut down. That's really why I haven't posted. Because I've been scared to face these emotions. I stopped talking about the things that I was feeling. I haven't been to the gym in awhile. I've just been floating. Going through the motions. Not as bad as I was this semester by any means but I haven't been letting myself feel things as much either. Mostly because it is scared me to feel all those things so suddenly and it was too much. I also knew that once I dealt with all the things I did to myself this semester I would be able to forgive myself and move on but part of me doesn't feel like I deserve to feel good about myself yet. A bigger part of me knows I deserve to feel better about myself though - which is the major difference from last semester. So that is why I am posting. I am trying to break through my stubborn heart and trying to build skin again (not tough skin that won't let anything in, but a few layers that will let me be). 


            It really was the girl I babysit who made me want to post again. Yesterday she fell off the monkey bars at the playground and hurt herself. It was nothing serious but to her it was. She looked at me with tears streaming down her face and told me it was the worst pain ever. I gave her a big hug and held her for awhile, kissing her knee and hands where they hurt. I gave her a few Hello Kitty Band-Aids and she was okay. She looked at me and looked at the monkey bars and got back on them! She crossed them with ease and moved on to the swings. It hit me that I need to be more like her. It showed me that even though to me all it she got was a little scrape on her knee, to her it hurt a lot. You can never judge someone for the pain they are going through because pain is relative. It's not universal. She also couldn't get back on the monkey bars without someone to pick her up and mend her. Something I am not good at (letting people help me). But finally what I found was that she got back on the thing that hurt her most, got over that thing, and moved on to a new obstacle. She didn't totally forget about that fateful fall though (she had the Band-Aids as a reminder, and if it were bad enough she may have had a scar) but she didn't let it stop her from getting up and "fighting" so to speak. So that's why I posted this, because I needed to get back on the monkey bars and cross them so I can go fly on the swings.

Find a path that is your own, love will open every door*

Just a little food for thought between posts...  

There always comes a time of elimination. The earth sheds 

each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity. 

As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body 

sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly; so naturally 

and silently that we do not realize it is happening. The 

heart and the spirit also shed. They shed the emotions and 

experiences that we no longer need. 

They shed the things that stunt our  growth. 

This, too, is an invisible process. 

Yet because of the energy involved, the emotional energy, 

we often feel the emotional and spiritual shedding; it feels 

as if we are dying. We are. Just like the flowers and the 

trees, we are dying to an old identity. This shedding, or 

death, is not the end of us, it is the beginning.

~Iyanla Vanzant 

And we lost ourselves, the love has died. And oh, we tried, you can't deny, we're left as shells, we lost the fight*

      I'm not sure what this post will end up being about. I've had a lot of things happen to me this past week. And at the same time nothing has really happened. There were a few things I realized about myself that I think I have not wanted to express out of fear. Fear that if I thought those thoughts it would make me weak or make me overly emotional. I was actually watching a television show the other day and the girl had gone through a horrible experience - losing her dad - but i found myself relating to her emotionally. She felt that showing emotions was a sign of weakness, and that crying about what happened or even thinking about it would mean she was weak. In all honesty I haven't dealt with anything that extreme at all, and I hope I don't have to for a long time... But I do what she was doing. I bottle everything up and then I let it boil over or I peel away layers of my feelings at a time. For example: Since I've been taking the semester off, I dealt with a lot of the things I had gone through right away but then I bottled it up and layer by layer I started dealing with my feelings. Leaving the really intense, deep stuff for last of course... The funny thing with planning these things out is that there is almost always a wrench that gets thrown into the mix. 

         Earlier in the week, the boy I wrote a previous post about and I deleted each other from our lives. It's kind of funny to say it that way, but that's what we did. Literally deleted our numbers from our phones, deleted previous conversations, and he even blocked me on Facebook (dun dun dunnnnn haha) When you hear this you might wonder what blocking means, and it means we don't exist in each other's lives anymore. Facebook takes away all comments or "likes" or wall posts or anything that the person has done or will do in the future. And obviously taking his number out of my phone means I can't text or call him - not that we were talking at all anyway - but it takes the possibility away. Anyway, most ex's do this at some point in their "relationship" we just happened to do it months after the breakup and all the closure we both got from things. I think in general we did things a little backwards in the beginning of our break up. It was too hard to get a clean break when we saw each other everyday or heard of the other from mutual friends or sat in the same class once a week or when Facebook is telling you everything about them since it knew you were together/interested in each other before that. It's hard to get over someone when they are literally in your face all the time. So we definitely broke up right away but I know I didn't get the clean break I needed and I wasn't able to "mourn" the ending of our relationship in the right way. 

           Sorry for these long run on sentences and long paragraphs (I just am writing from my brain to my fingers and that doesn't always make sense) but I promise I have a point to this... Ok so as I was saying, I wasn't planning on dealing with the emotions of our break up really intensely until I had dealt with a few other things I went through this semseter BUT life doesn't always listen to you. Which is usually a good thing. In this case it was. A stunt like this (basically being told I was unwanted to the point of not wanting to even see my face online) would have probably set me down a horrible path a few months ago, honestly probably even three weeks ago, but I've been getting stronger and better everyday so it didn't set me off into a bad place. It made me mad at first. It felt very much out of the blue and random to me (I mean I haven't been talking to him so I don't know what he's going through) and it definitely hurt (I'd be lying if I said it didn't). Mostly because the person that was texting me didn't seem like the boy I had fallen in love with. I know I'm not the same girl so it shouldn't have surprised me too much. But it definitely hurt because it was kind of another rejection, but I completely understand that he probably needs his space and needs to be separated from me completely, and seeing as I am not at school this clean break is an actual possibility now. 

         I'm not going to lie: I'm suprised by my reaction to the situation. I feel like I am finally starting to be strong again, but I'm feeling things again too. I'm not just holding it all in or dissecting it layer by layer. I am taking things in and standing strong through them. I'm honestly kind of proud of myself. I feel like I am starting to mature. Everyone told me in the beginning "Time will heal everything" and as annoying as that is and as much as I literally hate waiting for anything, it is really true. Time is the reason I am able to stand strong again. Sometimes you just have to get up to make sure you can stand at all. 

          I'm not really the kind of person to let people back in very easily and honestly I am just sort of over everything. Not in an "I don't want to feel anything" way but I literally just in a "I've dealt with what you've given me and I am done" kind of way. I don't know if I'm making much sense but I literally am just feeling a bit of relief. And in the fall I have no idea if I'll even see him or talk to him and I'm honestly okay with that. I feel like I have so many more things to look forward to. I have volleyball and some amazing friends who have helped me through a lot, and I have school which I need to hit out of the park. I am really content being me. Since I don't let people in very easily, it does stink that the first time I did I got bitten but it's okay now. Everyone deals with heartbreak, everyone deals with dark days... If we didn't the good days wouldn't look so good. I don't know if we will ever be friends again and literally for the first time since we broke up I realize I don't need to be his friend. I don't need him in my life at all. I have wanted him in my life and may want him there again as a friend or acquantaince. But I don't have him in my life and I am surviving. For awhile I felt like I needed him to survive - that tends to happen when you make someone your everything. But I don't need him. 

           I hope that doesn't come across as snobby or rude because that's not how I mean it. It really is just about how I am feeling, free and happy about where I am in my life. It's great to know that the decision to take a semester off was the right one... Maybe the smartest of my life (definitely one of the smartest). I think I am finally getting over being the victim and I am trying to fight. I'm starting to fight for myself. And I'm winning the fight. Some of the things that I did this semester will follow me for the rest of my life but I realize that is okay. I had my first heartbreak and that is okay. I really messed up a few times. That is okay too. It's all part of life. If we weren't meant to make our own mistakes and learn from them, we wouldn't be given the opportunity to do just that. 

             As for me and this boy I think our chapter in my life can finally be closed. I feel like recently it has been a battle and a fight... One of Christina Aguilera's song has been reaching out to me because I think it says it all... Here are some of the lyrics to "You Lost Me"

 

I am done, smoking gun

We've lost it all, the love is gone... 

And we had magic

And this is tragic...

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We found our life's been changed

Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried

We lost ourselves, the love has died

And oh, we tried, you can't deny

We're left as shells, we lost the fight

          I know I'm a huge lame-o for being so obsessed with her music but this song speaks to me. Not all love stories last forever, not all of them end in the people being friends. Sometimes they just end. And that doesn't mean you didn't try or you didn't fight for it. But you just have to throw the towel in and work on yourself. I think not being friends is what we need right now and honestly I don't know if we ever will be. It would be a big deal for me to let the one who did a lot of damage to me back in, even just as friends, and right now I am okay with that. I'm okay with not talking or existing to him. We just didn't have a love story that was meant to go on as a friendship story. 


          This will most likely be the last post about him (I mean it's not like I'm getting any new information about him now haha) and I think that is for the best. I needed to completely let him go. And I think I have. This is just another step to becoming fearless and to becoming myself. because 

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."

And when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got*

     Most people who know me know my family. We're kind of a package deal. I'm most fearless when I'm surrounded by my family. Before I explain how awesome my family is, I want to say that my brother and sister are literally two of my best friends. I've always had them by my side, whether we were simply running around barefoot, or crying in the dark in a foreign country. I have always had the two of them by my side, and I always will. I know that.


     Families in general are interesting. Every single person in the world has a family. Now that family may not be with you, it may not look like everyone else's, but it is one of the one things that no matter who you are, you have one or had one. Families can be great, they can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world. They can also fall short, but either way you spin it they are your family. 


     Today, there are a lot of tv shows on about families... I love the shows Parenthood and Modern Family. Parenthood shows me how my life will probably be in a few years, full of family and love. Modern Family is probably similar to my life too in the crazy department. I think both these shows show "real" families, which I like. My family probably falls pretty close to the middle of their spectrum of craziness, love, real issues, and life. I'll just tell you a little bit about my family (on my mom's side)


      So there are seven of us cousins and then my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my other uncle, and my parents. We all live close to each other - after Budapest we needed to be close to family to survive. I went through high school with three of my cousins and my brother... They went to college together and I went to my own school. I never really thought it was that big of a deal going to college by myself (I mean I had moved about ten times before college, so moving felt pretty natural) BUT I had always had my brother and sister with me. It was scary the first few weeks up there. It never actually was easy to be away from my family, I doubt it ever will be. They are all my friends before they are my family. 


      A few weeks ago I really found out how close we all are. It was amazing. We all have been going through a lot of life changing moments in our lives, and we all figured we should talk about them. But we had no idea it would turn into a five hour discussion about everything that we were feeling - pretty much since eight years ago... Some people probably cringe thinking about opening up to their family especially their parents, but for me it's natural. That discussion was eye opening for me in a different way though. I saw all my cousins and siblings being so open with what they were currently going through which were things I had gone through over the past year and semester... but they were talking about it as it happened! I don't do that. With anything. When I'm going through something or having an issue I bottle it up and try to fix it on my own. The thing with bottling things up is that when there gets to be too much bottled it kind of explodes. Cue my life. With everything I've ever felt or had going on in my life I always bottle it up and then when it gets to be too much for myself or something else bigger happens it all comes pouring out... Which sometimes leads to disaster. 


      Anyway I really look up to all of them for being so brave. Braver than I've ever been. My family makes me fearless though, when I am around them I am braver than when I'm alone, because they know me better than I know myself most days. Sometimes they drive me crazy or fill my Facebook news feed up with pictures of Justin Bieber, but I love them no matter what. I've also realized that my family loves me no matter what. No matter how short I fall or how badly I mess up they are always going to be there to give me a hand or just to love me and believe in me. I know that I can become a better person because they believe I can. 


      That's why taking a semester off was kind of a no brainer.... Why shouldn't I try to become a better version of myself surrounded by some of the only people I have ever truly let into the deep little corners of my heart? It's been working, although most of my change has been because of myself, it is also nice to have people around me that would literally turn their worlds upside down just so that I can get the help I need. My family always makes me fearless and gives me the hope I need to know everything is going to be better. 

It's all right, just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me*

      The song: If it Kills Me by Jason Mraz. The play count: 632. It's my most played song on my Itunes. What a Girl Wants follows with 106 plays. I realized how many plays this one song has about a month ago. It shocked me because I heard this song for the first time at the end of September. In all honesty I don't even remember listening to it all that much. So how come it's my most played song, and by about 500 plays?

      It's because I found this song right before I turned off all my feelings but it was a song that sang every feeling I wanted to express or feel but couldn't. 


       I have been working up the courage to write this post. And I've just been waiting to get stronger and to be in the right place to write it. Anyway, here it is... One of my most fearless and then most fearFULL moments in my life. In one post... 


       From as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of letting people in or falling in love, etc, etc. But I have also always dreamed of falling in love and getting married and having lots of children. These dreams were always way far off in the distance. I never thought I would have to actually think about falling in love with someone anytime soon, but I did. And as you can tell from my most played song selection I am not still with that person. What is weird about your first heart break is how not used to it you can be. I mean I figured I had gone through some pretty heartbreaking moments in my life but I hadn't really felt like I did when this part of my life came to a close. But first I want to talk about the great things, because there were a lot of great times in our relationship and even after it ended. I also am doing this new thing where I don't focus so much on the past but I try to look forward to what is coming next... 


       I had meant to be really dramatic and post about this on the would have been one year anniversary, but I didn't for a few different reasons.... But anyway so a little over a year ago I was fearless. More fearless than I've probably ever been. I gave my heart to someone for real. Now it wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done. Actually it was really hard and it took me a long time but as I slowly did, it was exciting and I really started to fall in love. He wasn't the typical guy I usually had crushes on so a lot of people were kind of surprised when I said we were dating - including myself! It was really fun to have a boyfriend. We were very much in the puppy love/honeymoon stage for awhile. We spent every single minute of the day together, and if we weren't together we were texting or skyping or communicating someway. During the summer we were long distance which definitely was difficult but we managed. We were back together at school in the fall and I was definitely happy but I also felt like he was my everything. I lost myself in the relationship, which wasn't good for me or him. We had really great moments and had a lot of fun together but we also fought a lot about stupid things. There isn't a need to discuss all that - we've had our closure by ourselves. But anyway it started to kind of fall apart pretty quickly. 


     I mean "If it Kills Me" actually became my theme song, as well as a few Taylor Swift songs which were kind of break up songs about a week before he broke up with me, which clearly shows that it was coming to an end even if I hadn't realized it yet. Anyway when he broke up with me I was eating some macaroni and cheese. That was the last thing I ate for the rest of the week, so about three days. I made myself sick, I couldn't talk because my throat hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe. Tay Swift came out with her new album around this time and with it came a few great break up songs, that and If It Kills Me were the only songs I let myself hear. I refused to watch any movies or tv shows that I liked because I didn't want to relate them with that part of my life for the rest of my life. So I shut everything out for a few days. Finally I decided I still had volleyball and my friends so I put my everything into my sport. I let the game heal me (another OTH quote... yes I know I'm obsessed) but it really couldn't heal me completely and right when it ended I became very self destructive. 


      I really wanted the feeling I had with him back, I just wanted to feel loved again, so I did things that I knew wouldn't help in the back of my mind but at the time I was lost and confused. I found myself doing things that would help me forget my pain and surrounding myself with people who were not going to help me. I was very much in the song "I Need You Now" I wish I had been able to be a little bit more fearless during this time of my life but I picked the other route. And I didn't believe that time could heal me. I would literally play Jason's song on repeat, blasting through my headphones all the time. It really was everything I wanted to say to him. All I really wanna do is love you a kind much closer than friends do, but I still can't say it after all we've been through. I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to. When we first broke up I had this idea that it was just going to be a break, that we would be back together soon. As I started to come to grip with the fact that that wasn't going to happen it hurt. So instead of dealing with that I refused to be weak. I put on a brave face and dealt with the pain. And I do mean the pain. I was in physical and emotional pain daily. I kept thinking about him and whether or not he was thinking of me, etc, etc, etc. 


      Fast forward through the horrible things I put him and myself through and skip over a few letters written, texts delivered, and a final closure conversation (and a few more months after that) and here I am. I'm not here to say I'm suddenly one hundred percent better but I am here to say that I've been okay lately. I've been happy. I've been okay with the fact that we weren't meant to be. A few days before our would have been one year my ipod touch went off with a notification telling me that it was coming up and that I should get working on a present... Low blow ipod, low blow. It was hard to think about how my life would have been had we lasted or where I would be (at school instead of home) but it didn't throw me back into my old ways. I stopped myself. I have realized I can't wish my life away. I can't say what if or how come because everything that has happened has happened and anything that will happen will. I can't change that part of life, but I can change how I react to each situation life throws at me. I'm not saying that I handle each situation best or that I have in the past but I'm sick of just thinking about everything or feeling like a victim. 


       I still think of him when I hear songs that were popular when we were dating, or when I see movies we saw together, or his favorite television shows or anything that we both liked. And at first honestly I hated that I thought of him because it hurt so bad, but now I've realized it's okay, because love comes and love goes and sometimes it breaks your heart but if it really hurts when it's over it just proves it was a relationship worth having. Right now we don't talk, not because we're on bad terms but just because we're not dating. I think it's healthy right now. We both need our space, which we didn't get right off the bat... Who knows if one day we will be friends again, but honestly what will be will be. I can't sit around thinking about that, I have to figure out myself and continue to move on.


       Although my heart broke when this relationship ended, I don't regret it. I don't think I ever will, because he taught me to be fearless without even meaning to. And I will always be grateful to him for doing that, no matter what. 


     

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air*

     So I can't really figure out what to write about. I have a little bit of writer's block I guess. I feel like I've been in a "writer's block" for the past four months. That sounds dramatic. Obviously I've been able to think and write over these past few months, but I have been turning off my thoughts and stuff a lot. Anyway, I'm not going to focus on the bad, but sometimes I work myself up to the point where I can't breathe and then I hyperventilate. There are a few things that have helped me in the past when I'm having these panic attacks: breathing into a plastic bag, running, or crying. The last one is not really a choice, it just happens. 


     Ok so a few months ago I got that feeling where I knew I was going to have one of these panic attacks so I went to the gym at school and I ran sprints. It was the night I became single and I literally did not know what to do. So I went to the gym and ran and ran, while blasting music in my ears turned up all the way. I didn't even realize I was crying until I couldn't breathe, like at all. I felt my face and it was wet. It was a very strange sensation. Luckily no one else was in the gym, for once. I pulled myself together and continued to run, because that's all I knew I could do. I put all I was feeling into that run. 


     About a month after that when I had made a lot of mistakes I wished I could take back and I was mad (at myself and a few others) I felt like a wanted to start a fight with someone. Anyone. Luckily I didn't because I don't know a thing about fighting anyone. My friend talked me out of it and I found myself at the gym again. This time it was the treadmill. I turned up Christina's "You Lost Me" and I sprinted my guts out. Literally. I almost threw up. Sorry if this doesn't seem to make sense at this moment... but I promise I'll tie it together soon. 


      So yesterday I got that feeling again. I knew it was time to run again. So I laced up my sneaks, put on some leggings and sweats, and under armor, a shirt, and a sweatshirt (I live in New England so it's not like I could go out in shorts and a t-shirt)... Anyway so I drove down to the beach where I run in the summertime. I was a little nervous to run because I knew I am not in the best shape of my life but I also am sick of sitting around waiting for things to change. So I knew I had to just "start shooting one day and deal with the pain" (kudos to you if you knew that was a OTH quote... bonus points if you knew it was Nathan who said it...) I started running up the hill on the edge of the beach and the wind was against me. I realized it was going to be harder than I thought to run, but I didn't want to stop. I got to the top of the hill and saw the open ocean for the first time since this summer and my breath caught up to me. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I could actually breathe normally in a long time. Full, deep, clean breaths of ocean air. It was liberating. 


      And yes I'm sure this sounds so fake to most of you, but in reality I realized that I can't sit around in my house all day and night waiting for some sort of inspiration or change to come through and hit me in the face, but I have to get out there and do something for myself. And even when I want to stop I have to keep going. My heart is on the mend. Just like my arm and it's going to take time but I can't just sit around and do nothing about it in the mean time. And my heart is starting to feel better already. I put it through a lot of pain this semester but luckily I am finding my way back to being in a good place. So until I reach that great place I will just keep breathing. And running. And living. And laughing. And just breathing. It seems simple but it's not always the easiest thing for me to do.

I don't wanna miss a thing*

    So the majority of you reading this probably have no idea what the background picture of this blog is... Well, I do. It's the parliament building in my favorite city in the world; Budapest, Hungary. You might think this is a random way to start a post, but every story has a beginning and that is where mine starts. Now I wasn't born in Budapest, and I didn't grow up there, but that is where I was first fearless. 
    
    My family and I moved there when I was going into the sixth grade. I must say at first I wasn't totally thrilled with the idea of living in my least favorite city I had ever visited for six months (that was my first experience with Budapest - that I didn't like it... but that thought did not last too long). Anyway I knew it was going to be hard but I also knew we were going to a really nice American school - with a lot of cool things that my current school did not have. So we moved there, with lots of tears saying goodbye to my best friend and her family and a lot of reluctancy to get on the plane (but let's face it I couldn't stay home alone while my family went overseas). When we landed in the Ferihegy airport I told myself to just deal with it and give my heart here. My parents needed me to lead my siblings and be the one who set the mood of the time spent here. So here I was in a foreign country where I did not speak the language... As a sixth grader. Quite the predicament. 


    I went to my orientation of my new school and the principal told the new students "Students come in here kicking and screaming, but they always leave kicking and screaming too." I was not a believer. I remember telling myself I would not enjoy it here and that I would be happy to leave in six months... 


     Fast forward a couple of months and you would find a secure, happy, loving six grader with friends from all over the world (literally) who was planning on persuading her parents to get them to let her stay longer than six months. That's when we had a family meeting and they told us the church needed us to stay a whole year. I was thrilled. We moved into a nicer apartment with more space and I was able to keep all of my friends and continue to fall in love with Budapest. 


     Budapest was the best place for me, not because of the city or the school though... I was fearless there. It wasn't that I wasn't afraid of being in a foreign country without my old friends but I put those fears aside and let myself go and enjoyed every moment of it. I fell in love with that city and the people in it. Hard. It wasn't like any other country I had experienced, mostly because I was at such an impressionable age. Most people who are in sixth and seventh grade start to figure out who they want to be in the world, or at least I did. I started realizing I wanted to live in Budapest when I was older. I never wanted to leave. I had friends and a church family there. Even though I missed my family and friends back home in the States, I loved it so much in Budapest that I wouldn't have been too upset if we stayed there through high school. 


      Of course, life doesn't always go as planned. Actually the majority of the time it does not go how you personally have planned. So on March 31, 2003 we had to get back onto a plane and fly back home. I remember when I first found out we'd be leaving my heart felt like it had an elephant sitting on it. It's a feeling I get now from time to time. I remember trying to figure out a way to lock myself in a closet of my friends' or just put up a great enough fight that we could stay... But I was fighting a loosing battle. If we stayed here after the 31st my parents wouldn't be getting paid and our car and house would be gone... In other words it was the only thing we could do. And once again, being the oldest I felt like it was my job to put on a brave face and try to deal with leaving.


     Saying goodbye to my friends there and the city was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I would cry until I ran out of tears, take a break for a few minutes and then continue to sob. It wasn't fun at all. "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was one of my friends and my songs and whenever it played from the moment I found out the news until about three years ago I would cry. If you catch me on a bad day that song can still bring a tear or two to my eyes (eight years later!!)... That's the hopeless romantic slash overactive tear duct syndrome I mentioned before in me though. 


     Driving to the airport the night we left I listened to Janet Jackson's "Together Again" on my NOW CD on repeat (wow, that was an embarrassing sentence to put together). Luckily I switched to Usher during our layover... This was when I first learned the art of drowning out all of my feelings, thoughts, and any sounds into my headphones. I still do this when I can't deal with something or just want an escape. I turn my music up all the way and put in my headphones (one day I'll probably be deaf because of it). 


     To sum up this long and kind of jumpy blog post... I fell in love with Budapest and leaving it just about killed me. Well it didn't kill me, but it killed the fearless part of my heart and it killed the freedom I had in giving my heart. We moved close to my cousins when we moved back and I had to share my cousin's friends - which I am grateful to her for being willing to do - but I really didn't like it. I would come home and immediately email my friends in Budapest, or MSN messenger them, or even video/voice chat with them. Those were the moments of the day that kept me going. I would write about things I missed about Budapest. Eventually it was hard to describe what exactly I missed about the city. It was just a feeling I had. I knew if I went back things wouldn't be the same but I figured I might feel the same way... I might feel free again. I may not just shut off all my feelings and I may actually let someone in again. 


      I wish I could say I snapped out of it in a few weeks. But sadly I wasn't truly happy and content with myself again until my sophomore year of high school. And even then I still missed Budapest... But by then that wasn't the only thing I thought about. And my then although I still couldn't listen to "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," at least I didn't burst into uncontrollable sobbing when I did hear the first few notes on the radio. I decided to start this "Road to Becoming Fearless" blog adventure with this story because I am planning on getting this feeling from Budapest back. I don't want to become fearless unless it comes from within and it is for myself. Not for anyone else. 


     So now when you see the picture of Budapest in the background, know that it is there as a small reminder to myself to be fearless. Everyday.