The song: If it Kills Me by Jason Mraz. The play count: 632. It's my most played song on my Itunes. What a Girl Wants follows with 106 plays. I realized how many plays this one song has about a month ago. It shocked me because I heard this song for the first time at the end of September. In all honesty I don't even remember listening to it all that much. So how come it's my most played song, and by about 500 plays?
It's because I found this song right before I turned off all my feelings but it was a song that sang every feeling I wanted to express or feel but couldn't.
I have been working up the courage to write this post. And I've just been waiting to get stronger and to be in the right place to write it. Anyway, here it is... One of my most fearless and then most fearFULL moments in my life. In one post...
From as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of letting people in or falling in love, etc, etc. But I have also always dreamed of falling in love and getting married and having lots of children. These dreams were always way far off in the distance. I never thought I would have to actually think about falling in love with someone anytime soon, but I did. And as you can tell from my most played song selection I am not still with that person. What is weird about your first heart break is how not used to it you can be. I mean I figured I had gone through some pretty heartbreaking moments in my life but I hadn't really felt like I did when this part of my life came to a close. But first I want to talk about the great things, because there were a lot of great times in our relationship and even after it ended. I also am doing this new thing where I don't focus so much on the past but I try to look forward to what is coming next...
I had meant to be really dramatic and post about this on the would have been one year anniversary, but I didn't for a few different reasons.... But anyway so a little over a year ago I was fearless. More fearless than I've probably ever been. I gave my heart to someone for real. Now it wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done. Actually it was really hard and it took me a long time but as I slowly did, it was exciting and I really started to fall in love. He wasn't the typical guy I usually had crushes on so a lot of people were kind of surprised when I said we were dating - including myself! It was really fun to have a boyfriend. We were very much in the puppy love/honeymoon stage for awhile. We spent every single minute of the day together, and if we weren't together we were texting or skyping or communicating someway. During the summer we were long distance which definitely was difficult but we managed. We were back together at school in the fall and I was definitely happy but I also felt like he was my everything. I lost myself in the relationship, which wasn't good for me or him. We had really great moments and had a lot of fun together but we also fought a lot about stupid things. There isn't a need to discuss all that - we've had our closure by ourselves. But anyway it started to kind of fall apart pretty quickly.
I mean "If it Kills Me" actually became my theme song, as well as a few Taylor Swift songs which were kind of break up songs about a week before he broke up with me, which clearly shows that it was coming to an end even if I hadn't realized it yet. Anyway when he broke up with me I was eating some macaroni and cheese. That was the last thing I ate for the rest of the week, so about three days. I made myself sick, I couldn't talk because my throat hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe. Tay Swift came out with her new album around this time and with it came a few great break up songs, that and If It Kills Me were the only songs I let myself hear. I refused to watch any movies or tv shows that I liked because I didn't want to relate them with that part of my life for the rest of my life. So I shut everything out for a few days. Finally I decided I still had volleyball and my friends so I put my everything into my sport. I let the game heal me (another OTH quote... yes I know I'm obsessed) but it really couldn't heal me completely and right when it ended I became very self destructive.
I really wanted the feeling I had with him back, I just wanted to feel loved again, so I did things that I knew wouldn't help in the back of my mind but at the time I was lost and confused. I found myself doing things that would help me forget my pain and surrounding myself with people who were not going to help me. I was very much in the song "I Need You Now" I wish I had been able to be a little bit more fearless during this time of my life but I picked the other route. And I didn't believe that time could heal me. I would literally play Jason's song on repeat, blasting through my headphones all the time. It really was everything I wanted to say to him. All I really wanna do is love you a kind much closer than friends do, but I still can't say it after all we've been through. I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to. When we first broke up I had this idea that it was just going to be a break, that we would be back together soon. As I started to come to grip with the fact that that wasn't going to happen it hurt. So instead of dealing with that I refused to be weak. I put on a brave face and dealt with the pain. And I do mean the pain. I was in physical and emotional pain daily. I kept thinking about him and whether or not he was thinking of me, etc, etc, etc.
Fast forward through the horrible things I put him and myself through and skip over a few letters written, texts delivered, and a final closure conversation (and a few more months after that) and here I am. I'm not here to say I'm suddenly one hundred percent better but I am here to say that I've been okay lately. I've been happy. I've been okay with the fact that we weren't meant to be. A few days before our would have been one year my ipod touch went off with a notification telling me that it was coming up and that I should get working on a present... Low blow ipod, low blow. It was hard to think about how my life would have been had we lasted or where I would be (at school instead of home) but it didn't throw me back into my old ways. I stopped myself. I have realized I can't wish my life away. I can't say what if or how come because everything that has happened has happened and anything that will happen will. I can't change that part of life, but I can change how I react to each situation life throws at me. I'm not saying that I handle each situation best or that I have in the past but I'm sick of just thinking about everything or feeling like a victim.
I still think of him when I hear songs that were popular when we were dating, or when I see movies we saw together, or his favorite television shows or anything that we both liked. And at first honestly I hated that I thought of him because it hurt so bad, but now I've realized it's okay, because love comes and love goes and sometimes it breaks your heart but if it really hurts when it's over it just proves it was a relationship worth having. Right now we don't talk, not because we're on bad terms but just because we're not dating. I think it's healthy right now. We both need our space, which we didn't get right off the bat... Who knows if one day we will be friends again, but honestly what will be will be. I can't sit around thinking about that, I have to figure out myself and continue to move on.
Although my heart broke when this relationship ended, I don't regret it. I don't think I ever will, because he taught me to be fearless without even meaning to. And I will always be grateful to him for doing that, no matter what.
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