You never keep your feet on the ground... Too busy chasing stars*

I wrote the following a little over five months ago:

"I'm sitting here in my room. There's something familiar about this room. It's seen a lot and has helped me through a lot in the past few years. It's seen my tears. Heard my thoughts, the ones no one else has. It has seen my victories and it has seen my defeats. These walls know my secrets. Tomorrow, I'm leaving this room. I'm spreading my little wings and jumping off the ledge. Tonight is one of those nights I know I will remember when I'm older. This is the night right before I take a huge leap of faith.
It's been a hard few years. I've put myself through a lot. However, in this moment, right now, I feel fearless. I know myself better than I ever have. I know I am brave. Strong. Independent. And ready for anything."

I never published it back then, it felt too personal, too raw, in that moment. I felt like if I said it aloud, or published it for the internet to see that I'd jinx myself. So I held on to those words "brave, strong, independent, fearless" and returned to them throughout the past few months to check that I still felt that way.

In case you missed it, five months ago was when I moved to Martha's Vineyard. Believe me, I am very much accustomed to moving. I've been doing it since I was (literally) six days old. But, typically, I've had four pretty important people by my side during those moves. My family. I've had my two best friends right next to me to lean on or to hold my hand as we took off in an airplane. My siblings. I've had the greatest support system to lean on when I was confused or lonely... This time, I was moving by myself. I did this in college, but I was surrounded by people all the time and it was just something everyone did. This has been my first solo move, living alone.

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be either though. I know that's because I know myself, I understand myself, I love myself, more than I have in years and years. When I look back to when I started this blog, I know it was the only way I could organize my thoughts. The only way I could stay a float. Now, I understand what I can take and what I can not, and most importantly I know who I want to be and who I don't want to be. I know I would not have been able to move out and live on an island by myself a couple of years ago, I would have self-destructed. But now, I'm thriving out here and I am so proud of myself for all the changes I've made to better myself and my life.

I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm comfortable with spending most of my time alone. Sometimes I get lonely or I wonder what is going on over on the mainland, but it is not a pit of my stomach loneliness that turns into something more loneliness that I used to get even when I was surrounded by masses of people.

It's been a tough fight to get to where I am right now. I won't pretend it was not. It's been a fight that I sometimes did not even want to take on. And it really was a fight. I had to fight for myself, I had to fight for my career, I had to fight for my health. And I did. I'm not saying I'm done fighting or that some days aren't hard, but the every day, difficult fight is much less than it used to be and that is truly a blessing.

The room I'm in now knows my secrets, has seen my tears, has seen some defeats, has heard my thoughts...But mostly it has seen success after success. Even small day to day successes that may not seem noteworthy to anyone else. This room has seen the positivity, progress, beauty, growth, and strength that a few years ago I yearned for.

The best part about these successes is that I know they are mine.

Completely, wonderfully, ferociously mine and that is the most fearless thing I have been able to claim in years.

This is the start of something beautiful*

I've never had much luck in love. I usually love too hard. It's in my DNA, started when I was in kindergarten and was married on the playground to Paul and by snack time that afternoon he was talking with Kara more than me. The nerve.

I've always dreamed of that "happy ending" ... That tall, dark, handsome knight in shining armor who would come and take me away on his horse. Instead of this I've let myself get tricked by a few guys in tin suits on donkeys, and the worst part is I haven't even noticed they weren't knights until I've been fourteen miles away from home. Seriously. I've jumped from relationship to relationship. Never really getting over the one guy before letting the next one in. I've always been looking for that perfect guy. Always in all the wrong places. Until now.

As corny as this sounds, I've realized I don't need a guy to make me happy. I don't need anyone. I can be happy by myself and I can trust myself. There has been a lot of soul searching this year, a lot of therapy, and a lot of rediscovering myself and I'm happy where I am right now. (But James Lafferty - If you are reading this... I'm all yours! Seriously.)

In all seriousness, there has been a change in my life and it's an amazing feeling. I know one day I will find that person who just gets me. But he won't complete me because I'm already complete. That sentence is so big for me. He won't complete me because I'm already complete. From as far back as I have remembered my life has been surrounded with "He'll complete you" "I'll finally be whole" from outside forces and from inside my head.

I've found that a few times too... Well I've forced it. We've forced it. It's gone from a "I think I like this person" to "I can't live without him" in moments. I've been in one of those relationships where all your friends are saying "Are you dumb. He treats you like dirt. No one even knows you are together" I've ignored them, I've been in those crazy, back and forth kind of "love" stories. And I'm honestly so done with them. I don't believe that you should ever be in the kind of relationship where you lose yourself. The essence of who you are, when no one else is around. You should always be grounded in yourself before adding another individual into your life. 

I'm done with dysfunctional, disastrous, detrimental realtionships. I am at the place in my life where I understand that I need to put my mental and physical health above other people's. That sounds selfish. And it is. But it's okay. It makes sense. They don't tell you to help everyone else in the airplane with their oxygen masks, as the plane goes down... They tell you to put your mask on first. This past year I've been doing that with myself. I've been putting on my own oxygen mask and breathing. I've been breathing in kindness, peace, joy, love, family, beauty, smiles, laughter, security, and it has been one of the most amazing, life-changing experiences of my life. 

I also understand that you can't over think everything. You can't change outside forces. You can't dive into your ex's head, just like he can't dive into yours (THANK DA LAWWWD). You sometimes just need to accept that wherever he was at in his life at that time, that is how he knew how to react. That is how he knew how to treat you. It's hard to accept it. It's hard not to analyze why he may have treated you or what his "hey" text really meant. But you just have to move on and let go of all those thoughts at some point. It's something that has taken me almost an entire year of hard work to realize I can't "fix" someone. And that no one is ever really going to change just for me AND that I don't want someone to change for me. Just like I don't want to change for someone else.

It's hard to even explain the changes that I have gone through, but you can see it. I can see it. I can feel it. I know I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy. You can't force happiness. You can't mistake that just because you are comfortable with someone you may not be happy with them. You need to eventually put the phone down and stop texting. Stop calling. Stop thinking about the same person. You need to let them go, not because the love you had wasn't, on some level, deep and important to you; but because it's possible that now they are just an anchor dragging you down to the depths of the ocean.

I think it is important for me to be in this time of my life - focusing on my career, focusing on myself, being a little selfish sometimes, enjoying this stage. I know one day I will meet a guy and it will just click, all the pieces will fall into place, it will feel natural. We won't hate-love each other, we will just love each other. But at this time in my life I don't even need to actively search for him. It's amazing to be at this stage where I can develop and decide who I am without a lot of outside forces pushing or pulling me one way or the other.

And life was never worse, but never better*

As 2014 is coming to a close I feel the need to write. I've never been one for "resolutions" mostly because every year I break them. I can never get up at 6 AM to run for three miles. I can never put down the chocolate bar. I tend to fall back in love with the one I swore off. I rarely make it to the gym. So, I get upset I broke my resolution and I feel bad about myself by day three of the New Year. Instead, about three years ago, I started writing down things that inspired me, things I learned, my favorite memories, my least favorite memories of the year that just went by. This year has been a whirlwind, I have changed more than I think I have even begun to realize. So, here I am, sharing some of the things I've learned with the internet...

- It is absolutely, positively okay and acceptable and probably recommended to eat your feelings in pounds of ice cream {mocha peanut butter to be exact}

- Those fading scars you have are signs that you are brave, courageous, and strong. Not scared, afraid, and weak.

- Being in love with yourself is more important than being in love with someone else.

- Serving people dinner and drinks every day, as best as you can, will open up opportunities you never dreamed possible.

- You can go back to school and learn new things.

- Saying goodbye can be the right thing to do.

- Laughing with your best friend until your stomach hurts is still the best feeling in the world.

- Opening up to someone and telling them your deepest secrets will not kill you - as long as it is the right person.

- If you want something in your life, ask for it. If you are told no, fight for it.

- Netflix can heal your broken heart. {Okay not really, but it can warm your soul... Again, that may be a stretch... Netflix is fun. That works}

- Sitting at the beach and breathing in the salty air will do wonders for your soul.

- So will blasting Taylor Swift and driving around town.

- Asking for help is okay. It proves you are strong.

- The Starbucks barista knowing your order is a privilege. Not something to be ashamed of.

- Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. But also one of the most important.

- Adding new people to your already perfect family only makes it shine brighter.

- It is okay to quit your job if you don't love it.

- It is okay to be 24 and applying to colleges again.

- Snuggling with your dog is the best medicine.

- Sobbing on the bathroom floor until you can't see straight or breathe is not a sign that you are dying, it is a sign you are living.

- Get lost in your favorite book again, no matter how many times you have before.

- Loving someone with all your heart, more than even yourself, and then saying goodbye will not kill you. {But it will hurt}

- Being a basic white girl and eating sushi while wearing yoga pants with your hair in a messy bun is sometimes all you need.

-Boys can be dumb. So can girls... {but we're only dumb sometimes}

- Red lipstick is soooo in.

- Understanding your childhood is important.

- Putting yourself above someone who does not love you is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

- So is eating ice cream.

- It's okay to not know what you want to do with your life.

- A baby falling asleep on your heart can mend all the brokenness there ever was there before.

- Taking selfies does not always mean you are insecure. It can mean you accept your flaws and love them.

- Putting a Band-Aid on a scar does not heal it.

- Letting yourself heal, layer by layer, instead of all at once is natural. And right.

-Time {and determination, will power, vulnerability, hard work, etc.} really will heal all wounds.

- Panic Attacks are not signs of weakness.

- Wear heels, even if you are already six feet tall.

- 15 wild and crazy high school volleyball players can turn your entire life around {in the best way possible}

- So can a job where you don't have to clear dishes for a living.

- Going to therapy is life-changing, motivating, and brave. No matter what those voices in your head are saying.

- The voices that are tearing you down are voices you should not listen to, no matter who the belong to.

- A glass of wine can do wonders for a girl.

- True friends never go out of style.

- Realizing you have no idea who you really are is scary. Understanding you can rebuild and figure out who you are is liberating.

- You can love someone you've never met.

- You can hate someone you've known for years. Letting go of that hate is important though.

- Starting over is the most fearless thing you can ever do.

- It is okay to tell yourself you are beautiful. It's even better if you can believe it.

- Don't change the very essence of who you are for someone else. Even if it's Adam Levine. Seriously.

- Every single thing {even those impossible hurdles} gets better.  

 

I could keep going but I'll stop there. The thing I realized most in 2014, the most important thing, is that I like myself. I like who I am. Every part of me. Sure, I'd like to erase some memories or maybe change a few decisions but I like who I am. I like Amira. I think she's funny, beautiful, a little crazy, brave, inspiring, smart, and strong. {Suriusly doe, dat gurl iz hysterical.} 

 

A year ago today I did not feel those things. Actually 8 months ago I didn't. But right now, in this moment, I do. I'm working on the "I love Amira" statement for the next post. But "like" is a really good start if you ask me.

 

It's all brand new, because of you. I hope I hear it forever*

This year has not been an easy one. The past few years haven't been so great either. I've put others before myself, people who do not care about me. I've put myself before the people who matter and care about me. I've been selfish about all the wrong things. I've been hurtful to myself and others. I've let some people go. Some were the right people to let go. Others weren't. I've been in a serious car accident... I've been given quite a few "wake up calls" that haven't woken me up. And I've had to say one of my hardest goodbyes.  

Lately I've been changing though. It's a scary thing to write. It's a scary thing to admit because I tend to sabotage myself when things are going well. I'm not going to do that this time though. Why not? Because things are different this time around.

I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I'm not changing for my family, for my friends, or for a boy (all of which I've done in the past). I am deciding how I want to live. I am deciding to better myself. I am choosing healthy ways to change. I am not reverting into bad habits or hurting myself anymore. 

I'm getting help. I have sought out someone who I can talk to, who is unbiased, someone who is starting to understand me little by little, and who is a professional. I know therapy is a stigmatized thing today, but it's helpful. Especially when you have been through some of the things I have been through. I don't want to hide the fact that this is helping me. She has helped me move in a positive direction. Has helped me not harm myself or others. Has empowered me to make decisions that help me. Has empowered me to realize the little steps are sometimes the biggest ones. 

Finally, I have started to really change from within. I have decided to stop hurting myself. To stop relying on boys to heal me. To stop putting myself in life threatening situations and testing my luck. I've decided that being happy is actually important to me. That I am important to me. That I have too much to lose every day to be so unhappy that I risk my life or my opportunities. I've realized that I have a support system, a strong one, made of people who actually believe in me, which is something not everyone has. And I am grateful for my life. 

It's been a hard year. But that does not define me. Sure, I've let it define me in the past, but right at this moment I am not defined by an awful year. I am not defined by depression. I am not defined by anxiety. I am not defined by my past mistakes. I am not defined by decisions I have made. I'm defined by what I say I am. Right now, I am beautiful. I am confident. I am cherished. I am special. I am strong. I am brave. 

It is important for me to put those words in writing. It is important that a year from now I can look back on this time in my life and realize how much I changed in one year. How much I've grown. The past few years have not been my most amazing, but that is okay. It really is okay to mess up, to make awful decisions. As long as you don't keep making them. 

It's important for me to accept myself. All my imperfections, all my flaws, all my battle scars. It's important for me to feel beautiful. To feel important. It's something I'm not used to doing and something that has taken me about four years to start accepting. I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. Who knows how long that could take to fully complete, but I'm okay with it taking awhile because I feel like I'm finally healing. I'm finally making my way to a place of peace. I do not want to go back to the girl I was before the past few years - she was not happy either. Instead I want to find the new woman who can look in the mirror and be proud of who is looking back at her. That's all I'm trying to find. Peace from within. 

One last quote before I sign off for the night and leave my heart out here for the internet to read... 

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity 

to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along" 

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to*

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, 

known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. 

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, 

and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, 

and a deep loving concern. 

Beautiful people do not just happen."

This is one of my favorite quotes. I like it because I relate to it. I relate to being in the suffering; struggling to make it through the day. I also have started to understand the other side of the quote. The understanding, the deep loving concern - even if those are not reciprocated back to me. I have already blogged about wanting to embody this quote but I wanted to bring the quote back again. 

I'm not sure where this post will end up (when do I ever know where they'll end?). I'm not sure about a lot of things these days, not even what I will be doing tomorrow. Some people may think that it would be exciting to live such an open-ended life. But it's really not. Especially for someone who battles with anxiety and depression........... Well, I guess this post just got personal... 

It's true, I do. I think most of it is when things get thrown off in my life. I have had some really dark days - most of my life has been great and there haven't been awful things like abuse or neglect that have set me off like some people deal with. But the thing is, you can't judge someone's journey by comparing it to someone else's. Again, overall my life has been amazing and most people probably would not understand why I would be so anxious that I have panic attacks or so depressed that I do not get out of bed for weeks. But, there it is. I do. 

There is quite a large stigma about mental illnesses these days, a lot of people do not believe they exist or think they are not that extreme of an illness, but they are. Although depression and anxiety can take control of my life, it does not define who I am. That's part of what makes me a beautiful person, I don't mean on the outside, but on the inside. I have my own battle scars and I have more accomplishments and those are what make me a beautiful person.

Most of the time when I am thrown into these moments of anxiety or depression it is because I'm not expressing myself. Whether I'm not talking to people or even not talking to myself. I don't mean literally talking out loud to myself but writing. Writing has become my sacred place, my sanctuary, in my times of need. Even when I was twelve, agonizing over a ridiculous move from one side of the Atlantic to the other, I wrote. I wrote about how much I hated the move, I wrote about how sad I was leaving my friends, I wrote questions, answers, swears (sorry, Ma!), whatever came to my mind. Writing helped me (and still does help me) sort out some of the thoughts in my head that would otherwise take me captive. 

Mostly because I have moved so many times, I do not enjoy opening up to people. There are three people in my life that know (almost) everything about me. Even within those three, not one of them knows everything. That's just too much for me to handle. That's why I write. Not so that people can read it (although one day I will write a comical best selling book) but so that I can heal. From all the pain in my life, from all of the love I've lost, from all of the love I've thrown away, from all the friends I have lost, from all the friends that have tossed me away... I write to heal. 

I'm not saying that all I need in my life is a pen and paper, but if I did not have those two things a lot of my days would be much darker. The days, or weeks, or even months, in which I have been the most depressed or have had the most anxiety, are the days where I have not been open. Not to anyone specifically, but even to myself. The days I just shut everything off and do not write my feelings are the days that turn into weeks and then months of me coasting through. 

Luckily I have an amazing support system and I can tell when I am going off the deep end, but overall the idea of opening up to a piece of paper gives me the comfort and freedom I need to not let my depression or anxiety take over my life. Some people are not as lucky as I am and I know that but that does not mean what I go through daily is not real. 

The thing is, at the end of the day I have learned that I am strong, I am a fighter, I am courageous, and I can face anything that this world throws at me. Mostly, I am beautiful (no matter what they saaaaayyyy  - had to throw some XTina in there). I am beautiful in the sense that I have seen my way out of suffering, struggling, loss, and the depths of my mind. I have seen myself out of these depths and I plan on continually seeing myself out of them, becoming more beautiful every single day. 

Well I'm almost finally, finally... Well I'm free, oh, I'm free*

What is love? 

I'm not asking you to sing that techno song (although I'm sure you all just did). I'm truly asking. What is it? Everyone seems to be obsessed with finding it. There are at least ten different dating reality shows, where everyone expresses their need to find a husband or wife. But what really IS love? 

I'll tell you what it's not.

It's not dependancy. You should miss whoever you are in love with of course or want to be around them but it should not be a dependent relationship where you can't breathe without them or can't be by yourself. Love isn't about finding someone who becomes your heroine. You should not desperately need them to the point where you'll do anything for them, even harm yourself. You should never be killing yourself (emotionally or physically) for someone you love. 

Love isn't a secret. It shouldn't be something you don't tell anyone about. {In my opinion it shouldn't be posted all over Facebook either} - but love is not mean to be completely hidden. You should not be in love with someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence unless you are in private. Love is supposed to be magical and you are supposed to want to share that love with others, you aren't supposed to feel like someone's invisible friend.

Love isn't sad. You shouldn't relate to every Adele/Taylor Swift song about break ups while you are "in love." Love is not supposed to hurt you. It's not supposed to tear you down or make you feel like a piece of dirt. Love is supposed to lift you up and make you feel invincible. Love is supposed to be enough. Enough to get you threw your hardest battles, it shouldn't be your toughest battle.  

Love shouldn't be a seesaw of "I want you, I don't want you, I don't want to talk to you. I need you. Come back. Go away." It's supposed to be constant, it's not supposed to fail you. Love shouldn't be a constant fight. It shouldn't be a competition of who can get back at the other person more than last time. It's supposed to be a partnership. You should never have to wonder whether or not the other person loves you back. 

Love shouldn't be any of these things, and yet that is the kind of love most people know. That is the kind of love I've known. Not the only love I've known but I've definitely known this kind of love. Sometimes what you think your life with someone is going to look like and the reality of what it really is do not match up. And the next thing you know you're in an awful relationship that no one even knows about. That is not the kind of love anyone should know. 

But honestly, I'm done. I'm letting go and I won't let anyone drag me down again. Life's all about learning, sometimes that means the hard way. Sometimes you have to get hit in the face a few times before you learn to duck, or better yet, put a hand up to block the next hit. Regardless of how you learn, the important part is that you do eventually learn. 

Don't ever accept anything less than what you deserve from anyone. Even if they are your best friend who you've suddenly fallen in love with. Guess what? You'll find a new best friend. You'll find someone else to fall in love with. You will survive. That's the good news. And in the mean time, throw on some Adele and start moving on. 

Fall in love. Not lust. Don't be apart of a destructive relationship of "love" that I just described because it's not what anyone deserves. Don't get attached to someone who isn't worth a minute of your time, and don't hold on just because you are scared to let go, because you can't get to the next monkey bar without letting go of the one you're on.  

There are few things pure in this world anymore, and home is one of the few*

Although I have already posted about Budapest and my time there, I need to write more about it. The thing is, I think about that city every single day. I dream about returning and living there. I dream about sitting at a cafe outside the Buda Castle and looking over the Danube River. I dream about shopping at West End or in Mamut. I dream about the food: goulash, paprikás csirke, chocolate croissants at Cafe Gerbeaud. I dream about my old school and what it would be like to work there one day... I dream about hearing the language and seeing the people that I dearly miss. I miss all these things and think about them daily but I haven't lived there in ten whole years. Ten. Years... 

If I'm being honest I will never love a city as much as I love Budapest, Hungary; between the people, the food, the buildings that city will always have 90 percent of my heart. 

Leaving was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through and 

broke my little 12 year old heart more than words can express. 

The point of this post however is not to remember Budapest, it's to tell you something that has happened in that ten year gap I've been living in... I have realized that I feel at home again. Here. In Falmouth. 

This is something I hate to admit (no offense) because spending the first twelve years of my life traveling the world with my family and seeing so many different cultures was unbelievable and amazing... To return from that unreal lifestyle and land in a small town where some people have asked if European was a language was my worst nightmare... But the thing is while I've been playing sports, lounging by the ocean, going to school, watching TV; something magical has happened for me... I have started to feel at home in this small little town. I'm not sure when it happened or what really did it, but here I am; living in one place for more than five years and I'm happy. I'm content. I feel at home. I keep saying this because it's truly a miracle that I feel this way. 

My heart has ached most of my life for a place to call home, although I loved every moment of my crazy nomadic life, a part of me always wondered what it would be like to know someone for my entire life, or a town for that long (grass is always greener I know). But now I feel like I kind of know how that feels. Even though I still get lost in Mashpee Commons every time I go there (something that would have been solved if I spent my adolescent weekends there) and I haven't known anyone here (except my family) since kindergarten, but I still have known this town and these people longer than I've known anywhere or anyone else. 

Most of this is because I have an amazing family just minutes away from me and I have found friends who truly care about me (both at college and at home). This family I'm talking about took me in when I was alone and miserable with no friends on this side of the Atlantic Ocean. This family is my family, but they are all more than that, they are my friends as well. I've written about the love that my family shares before but I truly can't express how great it feels to have them in my life. I can't imagine where I'd be if I didn't have them when I landed here as an awkward 12 year old. It is truly inexplainable and I will be eternally grateful for each of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents for loving me so much. At any rate, I know that these past ten years have been rough and I have had to forgive a lot of people (even though they haven't said sorry) for ripping me away from my city; but in that time (even the darkest days) I have come to find a home here. And that's all I've ever wanted. 

It will be exactly ten years ago on Sunday that I boarded the plane from Budapest with tears in my eyes, drowning all the sounds out with my NOW CD, and landed here in Falmouth. I still can't believe how long it's been, I also can't believe how much I've grown and changed but I'm so grateful for the journey.... Maybe it's because I finally have a concrete plan to move back to Budapest that it is making me feel okay about saying I feel at home here or maybe it's just because I have never come close to living in one place this long but regardless of the reason, one day when I'm not living near the beach I will long to be back near it, maybe not as much as I long for Budapest, but I will definitely long for it and that is something truly special for me.

I am truly grateful for this whirlwind of an adventure that I call my life, 

and I can't wait to see where I am in the next ten years.

 I know at least one of those years will be spent back in the city that has my heart,

 but in the meantime I'm starting to feel okay saying Falmouth is my home.