I've never had much luck in love. I usually love too hard. It's in my DNA, started when I was in kindergarten and was married on the playground to Paul and by snack time that afternoon he was talking with Kara more than me. The nerve.
I've always dreamed of that "happy ending" ... That tall, dark, handsome knight in shining armor who would come and take me away on his horse. Instead of this I've let myself get tricked by a few guys in tin suits on donkeys, and the worst part is I haven't even noticed they weren't knights until I've been fourteen miles away from home. Seriously. I've jumped from relationship to relationship. Never really getting over the one guy before letting the next one in. I've always been looking for that perfect guy. Always in all the wrong places. Until now.
As corny as this sounds, I've realized I don't need a guy to make me happy. I don't need anyone. I can be happy by myself and I can trust myself. There has been a lot of soul searching this year, a lot of therapy, and a lot of rediscovering myself and I'm happy where I am right now. (But James Lafferty - If you are reading this... I'm all yours! Seriously.)
In all seriousness, there has been a change in my life and it's an amazing feeling. I know one day I will find that person who just gets me. But he won't complete me because I'm already complete. That sentence is so big for me. He won't complete me because I'm already complete. From as far back as I have remembered my life has been surrounded with "He'll complete you" "I'll finally be whole" from outside forces and from inside my head.
I've found that a few times too... Well I've forced it. We've forced it. It's gone from a "I think I like this person" to "I can't live without him" in moments. I've been in one of those relationships where all your friends are saying "Are you dumb. He treats you like dirt. No one even knows you are together" I've ignored them, I've been in those crazy, back and forth kind of "love" stories. And I'm honestly so done with them. I don't believe that you should ever be in the kind of relationship where you lose yourself. The essence of who you are, when no one else is around. You should always be grounded in yourself before adding another individual into your life.
I'm done with dysfunctional, disastrous, detrimental realtionships. I am at the place in my life where I understand that I need to put my mental and physical health above other people's. That sounds selfish. And it is. But it's okay. It makes sense. They don't tell you to help everyone else in the airplane with their oxygen masks, as the plane goes down... They tell you to put your mask on first. This past year I've been doing that with myself. I've been putting on my own oxygen mask and breathing. I've been breathing in kindness, peace, joy, love, family, beauty, smiles, laughter, security, and it has been one of the most amazing, life-changing experiences of my life.
I also understand that you can't over think everything. You can't change outside forces. You can't dive into your ex's head, just like he can't dive into yours (THANK DA LAWWWD). You sometimes just need to accept that wherever he was at in his life at that time, that is how he knew how to react. That is how he knew how to treat you. It's hard to accept it. It's hard not to analyze why he may have treated you or what his "hey" text really meant. But you just have to move on and let go of all those thoughts at some point. It's something that has taken me almost an entire year of hard work to realize I can't "fix" someone. And that no one is ever really going to change just for me AND that I don't want someone to change for me. Just like I don't want to change for someone else.
It's hard to even explain the changes that I have gone through, but you can see it. I can see it. I can feel it. I know I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy. You can't force happiness. You can't mistake that just because you are comfortable with someone you may not be happy with them. You need to eventually put the phone down and stop texting. Stop calling. Stop thinking about the same person. You need to let them go, not because the love you had wasn't, on some level, deep and important to you; but because it's possible that now they are just an anchor dragging you down to the depths of the ocean.
I think it is important for me to be in this time of my life - focusing on my career, focusing on myself, being a little selfish sometimes, enjoying this stage. I know one day I will meet a guy and it will just click, all the pieces will fall into place, it will feel natural. We won't hate-love each other, we will just love each other. But at this time in my life I don't even need to actively search for him. It's amazing to be at this stage where I can develop and decide who I am without a lot of outside forces pushing or pulling me one way or the other.
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