And life was never worse, but never better*

As 2014 is coming to a close I feel the need to write. I've never been one for "resolutions" mostly because every year I break them. I can never get up at 6 AM to run for three miles. I can never put down the chocolate bar. I tend to fall back in love with the one I swore off. I rarely make it to the gym. So, I get upset I broke my resolution and I feel bad about myself by day three of the New Year. Instead, about three years ago, I started writing down things that inspired me, things I learned, my favorite memories, my least favorite memories of the year that just went by. This year has been a whirlwind, I have changed more than I think I have even begun to realize. So, here I am, sharing some of the things I've learned with the internet...

- It is absolutely, positively okay and acceptable and probably recommended to eat your feelings in pounds of ice cream {mocha peanut butter to be exact}

- Those fading scars you have are signs that you are brave, courageous, and strong. Not scared, afraid, and weak.

- Being in love with yourself is more important than being in love with someone else.

- Serving people dinner and drinks every day, as best as you can, will open up opportunities you never dreamed possible.

- You can go back to school and learn new things.

- Saying goodbye can be the right thing to do.

- Laughing with your best friend until your stomach hurts is still the best feeling in the world.

- Opening up to someone and telling them your deepest secrets will not kill you - as long as it is the right person.

- If you want something in your life, ask for it. If you are told no, fight for it.

- Netflix can heal your broken heart. {Okay not really, but it can warm your soul... Again, that may be a stretch... Netflix is fun. That works}

- Sitting at the beach and breathing in the salty air will do wonders for your soul.

- So will blasting Taylor Swift and driving around town.

- Asking for help is okay. It proves you are strong.

- The Starbucks barista knowing your order is a privilege. Not something to be ashamed of.

- Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. But also one of the most important.

- Adding new people to your already perfect family only makes it shine brighter.

- It is okay to quit your job if you don't love it.

- It is okay to be 24 and applying to colleges again.

- Snuggling with your dog is the best medicine.

- Sobbing on the bathroom floor until you can't see straight or breathe is not a sign that you are dying, it is a sign you are living.

- Get lost in your favorite book again, no matter how many times you have before.

- Loving someone with all your heart, more than even yourself, and then saying goodbye will not kill you. {But it will hurt}

- Being a basic white girl and eating sushi while wearing yoga pants with your hair in a messy bun is sometimes all you need.

-Boys can be dumb. So can girls... {but we're only dumb sometimes}

- Red lipstick is soooo in.

- Understanding your childhood is important.

- Putting yourself above someone who does not love you is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

- So is eating ice cream.

- It's okay to not know what you want to do with your life.

- A baby falling asleep on your heart can mend all the brokenness there ever was there before.

- Taking selfies does not always mean you are insecure. It can mean you accept your flaws and love them.

- Putting a Band-Aid on a scar does not heal it.

- Letting yourself heal, layer by layer, instead of all at once is natural. And right.

-Time {and determination, will power, vulnerability, hard work, etc.} really will heal all wounds.

- Panic Attacks are not signs of weakness.

- Wear heels, even if you are already six feet tall.

- 15 wild and crazy high school volleyball players can turn your entire life around {in the best way possible}

- So can a job where you don't have to clear dishes for a living.

- Going to therapy is life-changing, motivating, and brave. No matter what those voices in your head are saying.

- The voices that are tearing you down are voices you should not listen to, no matter who the belong to.

- A glass of wine can do wonders for a girl.

- True friends never go out of style.

- Realizing you have no idea who you really are is scary. Understanding you can rebuild and figure out who you are is liberating.

- You can love someone you've never met.

- You can hate someone you've known for years. Letting go of that hate is important though.

- Starting over is the most fearless thing you can ever do.

- It is okay to tell yourself you are beautiful. It's even better if you can believe it.

- Don't change the very essence of who you are for someone else. Even if it's Adam Levine. Seriously.

- Every single thing {even those impossible hurdles} gets better.  

 

I could keep going but I'll stop there. The thing I realized most in 2014, the most important thing, is that I like myself. I like who I am. Every part of me. Sure, I'd like to erase some memories or maybe change a few decisions but I like who I am. I like Amira. I think she's funny, beautiful, a little crazy, brave, inspiring, smart, and strong. {Suriusly doe, dat gurl iz hysterical.} 

 

A year ago today I did not feel those things. Actually 8 months ago I didn't. But right now, in this moment, I do. I'm working on the "I love Amira" statement for the next post. But "like" is a really good start if you ask me.

 

It's all brand new, because of you. I hope I hear it forever*

This year has not been an easy one. The past few years haven't been so great either. I've put others before myself, people who do not care about me. I've put myself before the people who matter and care about me. I've been selfish about all the wrong things. I've been hurtful to myself and others. I've let some people go. Some were the right people to let go. Others weren't. I've been in a serious car accident... I've been given quite a few "wake up calls" that haven't woken me up. And I've had to say one of my hardest goodbyes.  

Lately I've been changing though. It's a scary thing to write. It's a scary thing to admit because I tend to sabotage myself when things are going well. I'm not going to do that this time though. Why not? Because things are different this time around.

I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I'm not changing for my family, for my friends, or for a boy (all of which I've done in the past). I am deciding how I want to live. I am deciding to better myself. I am choosing healthy ways to change. I am not reverting into bad habits or hurting myself anymore. 

I'm getting help. I have sought out someone who I can talk to, who is unbiased, someone who is starting to understand me little by little, and who is a professional. I know therapy is a stigmatized thing today, but it's helpful. Especially when you have been through some of the things I have been through. I don't want to hide the fact that this is helping me. She has helped me move in a positive direction. Has helped me not harm myself or others. Has empowered me to make decisions that help me. Has empowered me to realize the little steps are sometimes the biggest ones. 

Finally, I have started to really change from within. I have decided to stop hurting myself. To stop relying on boys to heal me. To stop putting myself in life threatening situations and testing my luck. I've decided that being happy is actually important to me. That I am important to me. That I have too much to lose every day to be so unhappy that I risk my life or my opportunities. I've realized that I have a support system, a strong one, made of people who actually believe in me, which is something not everyone has. And I am grateful for my life. 

It's been a hard year. But that does not define me. Sure, I've let it define me in the past, but right at this moment I am not defined by an awful year. I am not defined by depression. I am not defined by anxiety. I am not defined by my past mistakes. I am not defined by decisions I have made. I'm defined by what I say I am. Right now, I am beautiful. I am confident. I am cherished. I am special. I am strong. I am brave. 

It is important for me to put those words in writing. It is important that a year from now I can look back on this time in my life and realize how much I changed in one year. How much I've grown. The past few years have not been my most amazing, but that is okay. It really is okay to mess up, to make awful decisions. As long as you don't keep making them. 

It's important for me to accept myself. All my imperfections, all my flaws, all my battle scars. It's important for me to feel beautiful. To feel important. It's something I'm not used to doing and something that has taken me about four years to start accepting. I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. Who knows how long that could take to fully complete, but I'm okay with it taking awhile because I feel like I'm finally healing. I'm finally making my way to a place of peace. I do not want to go back to the girl I was before the past few years - she was not happy either. Instead I want to find the new woman who can look in the mirror and be proud of who is looking back at her. That's all I'm trying to find. Peace from within. 

One last quote before I sign off for the night and leave my heart out here for the internet to read... 

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity 

to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along"