If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to*

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, 

known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. 

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, 

and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, 

and a deep loving concern. 

Beautiful people do not just happen."

This is one of my favorite quotes. I like it because I relate to it. I relate to being in the suffering; struggling to make it through the day. I also have started to understand the other side of the quote. The understanding, the deep loving concern - even if those are not reciprocated back to me. I have already blogged about wanting to embody this quote but I wanted to bring the quote back again. 

I'm not sure where this post will end up (when do I ever know where they'll end?). I'm not sure about a lot of things these days, not even what I will be doing tomorrow. Some people may think that it would be exciting to live such an open-ended life. But it's really not. Especially for someone who battles with anxiety and depression........... Well, I guess this post just got personal... 

It's true, I do. I think most of it is when things get thrown off in my life. I have had some really dark days - most of my life has been great and there haven't been awful things like abuse or neglect that have set me off like some people deal with. But the thing is, you can't judge someone's journey by comparing it to someone else's. Again, overall my life has been amazing and most people probably would not understand why I would be so anxious that I have panic attacks or so depressed that I do not get out of bed for weeks. But, there it is. I do. 

There is quite a large stigma about mental illnesses these days, a lot of people do not believe they exist or think they are not that extreme of an illness, but they are. Although depression and anxiety can take control of my life, it does not define who I am. That's part of what makes me a beautiful person, I don't mean on the outside, but on the inside. I have my own battle scars and I have more accomplishments and those are what make me a beautiful person.

Most of the time when I am thrown into these moments of anxiety or depression it is because I'm not expressing myself. Whether I'm not talking to people or even not talking to myself. I don't mean literally talking out loud to myself but writing. Writing has become my sacred place, my sanctuary, in my times of need. Even when I was twelve, agonizing over a ridiculous move from one side of the Atlantic to the other, I wrote. I wrote about how much I hated the move, I wrote about how sad I was leaving my friends, I wrote questions, answers, swears (sorry, Ma!), whatever came to my mind. Writing helped me (and still does help me) sort out some of the thoughts in my head that would otherwise take me captive. 

Mostly because I have moved so many times, I do not enjoy opening up to people. There are three people in my life that know (almost) everything about me. Even within those three, not one of them knows everything. That's just too much for me to handle. That's why I write. Not so that people can read it (although one day I will write a comical best selling book) but so that I can heal. From all the pain in my life, from all of the love I've lost, from all of the love I've thrown away, from all the friends I have lost, from all the friends that have tossed me away... I write to heal. 

I'm not saying that all I need in my life is a pen and paper, but if I did not have those two things a lot of my days would be much darker. The days, or weeks, or even months, in which I have been the most depressed or have had the most anxiety, are the days where I have not been open. Not to anyone specifically, but even to myself. The days I just shut everything off and do not write my feelings are the days that turn into weeks and then months of me coasting through. 

Luckily I have an amazing support system and I can tell when I am going off the deep end, but overall the idea of opening up to a piece of paper gives me the comfort and freedom I need to not let my depression or anxiety take over my life. Some people are not as lucky as I am and I know that but that does not mean what I go through daily is not real. 

The thing is, at the end of the day I have learned that I am strong, I am a fighter, I am courageous, and I can face anything that this world throws at me. Mostly, I am beautiful (no matter what they saaaaayyyy  - had to throw some XTina in there). I am beautiful in the sense that I have seen my way out of suffering, struggling, loss, and the depths of my mind. I have seen myself out of these depths and I plan on continually seeing myself out of them, becoming more beautiful every single day. 

Well I'm almost finally, finally... Well I'm free, oh, I'm free*

What is love? 

I'm not asking you to sing that techno song (although I'm sure you all just did). I'm truly asking. What is it? Everyone seems to be obsessed with finding it. There are at least ten different dating reality shows, where everyone expresses their need to find a husband or wife. But what really IS love? 

I'll tell you what it's not.

It's not dependancy. You should miss whoever you are in love with of course or want to be around them but it should not be a dependent relationship where you can't breathe without them or can't be by yourself. Love isn't about finding someone who becomes your heroine. You should not desperately need them to the point where you'll do anything for them, even harm yourself. You should never be killing yourself (emotionally or physically) for someone you love. 

Love isn't a secret. It shouldn't be something you don't tell anyone about. {In my opinion it shouldn't be posted all over Facebook either} - but love is not mean to be completely hidden. You should not be in love with someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence unless you are in private. Love is supposed to be magical and you are supposed to want to share that love with others, you aren't supposed to feel like someone's invisible friend.

Love isn't sad. You shouldn't relate to every Adele/Taylor Swift song about break ups while you are "in love." Love is not supposed to hurt you. It's not supposed to tear you down or make you feel like a piece of dirt. Love is supposed to lift you up and make you feel invincible. Love is supposed to be enough. Enough to get you threw your hardest battles, it shouldn't be your toughest battle.  

Love shouldn't be a seesaw of "I want you, I don't want you, I don't want to talk to you. I need you. Come back. Go away." It's supposed to be constant, it's not supposed to fail you. Love shouldn't be a constant fight. It shouldn't be a competition of who can get back at the other person more than last time. It's supposed to be a partnership. You should never have to wonder whether or not the other person loves you back. 

Love shouldn't be any of these things, and yet that is the kind of love most people know. That is the kind of love I've known. Not the only love I've known but I've definitely known this kind of love. Sometimes what you think your life with someone is going to look like and the reality of what it really is do not match up. And the next thing you know you're in an awful relationship that no one even knows about. That is not the kind of love anyone should know. 

But honestly, I'm done. I'm letting go and I won't let anyone drag me down again. Life's all about learning, sometimes that means the hard way. Sometimes you have to get hit in the face a few times before you learn to duck, or better yet, put a hand up to block the next hit. Regardless of how you learn, the important part is that you do eventually learn. 

Don't ever accept anything less than what you deserve from anyone. Even if they are your best friend who you've suddenly fallen in love with. Guess what? You'll find a new best friend. You'll find someone else to fall in love with. You will survive. That's the good news. And in the mean time, throw on some Adele and start moving on. 

Fall in love. Not lust. Don't be apart of a destructive relationship of "love" that I just described because it's not what anyone deserves. Don't get attached to someone who isn't worth a minute of your time, and don't hold on just because you are scared to let go, because you can't get to the next monkey bar without letting go of the one you're on.