The song: If it Kills Me by Jason Mraz. The play count: 632. It's my most played song on my Itunes. What a Girl Wants follows with 106 plays. I realized how many plays this one song has about a month ago. It shocked me because I heard this song for the first time at the end of September. In all honesty I don't even remember listening to it all that much. So how come it's my most played song, and by about 500 plays?
It's because I found this song right before I turned off all my feelings but it was a song that sang every feeling I wanted to express or feel but couldn't.
I have been working up the courage to write this post. And I've just been waiting to get stronger and to be in the right place to write it. Anyway, here it is... One of my most fearless and then most fearFULL moments in my life. In one post...
From as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of letting people in or falling in love, etc, etc. But I have also always dreamed of falling in love and getting married and having lots of children. These dreams were always way far off in the distance. I never thought I would have to actually think about falling in love with someone anytime soon, but I did. And as you can tell from my most played song selection I am not still with that person. What is weird about your first heart break is how not used to it you can be. I mean I figured I had gone through some pretty heartbreaking moments in my life but I hadn't really felt like I did when this part of my life came to a close. But first I want to talk about the great things, because there were a lot of great times in our relationship and even after it ended. I also am doing this new thing where I don't focus so much on the past but I try to look forward to what is coming next...
I had meant to be really dramatic and post about this on the would have been one year anniversary, but I didn't for a few different reasons.... But anyway so a little over a year ago I was fearless. More fearless than I've probably ever been. I gave my heart to someone for real. Now it wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done. Actually it was really hard and it took me a long time but as I slowly did, it was exciting and I really started to fall in love. He wasn't the typical guy I usually had crushes on so a lot of people were kind of surprised when I said we were dating - including myself! It was really fun to have a boyfriend. We were very much in the puppy love/honeymoon stage for awhile. We spent every single minute of the day together, and if we weren't together we were texting or skyping or communicating someway. During the summer we were long distance which definitely was difficult but we managed. We were back together at school in the fall and I was definitely happy but I also felt like he was my everything. I lost myself in the relationship, which wasn't good for me or him. We had really great moments and had a lot of fun together but we also fought a lot about stupid things. There isn't a need to discuss all that - we've had our closure by ourselves. But anyway it started to kind of fall apart pretty quickly.
I mean "If it Kills Me" actually became my theme song, as well as a few Taylor Swift songs which were kind of break up songs about a week before he broke up with me, which clearly shows that it was coming to an end even if I hadn't realized it yet. Anyway when he broke up with me I was eating some macaroni and cheese. That was the last thing I ate for the rest of the week, so about three days. I made myself sick, I couldn't talk because my throat hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe. Tay Swift came out with her new album around this time and with it came a few great break up songs, that and If It Kills Me were the only songs I let myself hear. I refused to watch any movies or tv shows that I liked because I didn't want to relate them with that part of my life for the rest of my life. So I shut everything out for a few days. Finally I decided I still had volleyball and my friends so I put my everything into my sport. I let the game heal me (another OTH quote... yes I know I'm obsessed) but it really couldn't heal me completely and right when it ended I became very self destructive.
I really wanted the feeling I had with him back, I just wanted to feel loved again, so I did things that I knew wouldn't help in the back of my mind but at the time I was lost and confused. I found myself doing things that would help me forget my pain and surrounding myself with people who were not going to help me. I was very much in the song "I Need You Now" I wish I had been able to be a little bit more fearless during this time of my life but I picked the other route. And I didn't believe that time could heal me. I would literally play Jason's song on repeat, blasting through my headphones all the time. It really was everything I wanted to say to him. All I really wanna do is love you a kind much closer than friends do, but I still can't say it after all we've been through. I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to. When we first broke up I had this idea that it was just going to be a break, that we would be back together soon. As I started to come to grip with the fact that that wasn't going to happen it hurt. So instead of dealing with that I refused to be weak. I put on a brave face and dealt with the pain. And I do mean the pain. I was in physical and emotional pain daily. I kept thinking about him and whether or not he was thinking of me, etc, etc, etc.
Fast forward through the horrible things I put him and myself through and skip over a few letters written, texts delivered, and a final closure conversation (and a few more months after that) and here I am. I'm not here to say I'm suddenly one hundred percent better but I am here to say that I've been okay lately. I've been happy. I've been okay with the fact that we weren't meant to be. A few days before our would have been one year my ipod touch went off with a notification telling me that it was coming up and that I should get working on a present... Low blow ipod, low blow. It was hard to think about how my life would have been had we lasted or where I would be (at school instead of home) but it didn't throw me back into my old ways. I stopped myself. I have realized I can't wish my life away. I can't say what if or how come because everything that has happened has happened and anything that will happen will. I can't change that part of life, but I can change how I react to each situation life throws at me. I'm not saying that I handle each situation best or that I have in the past but I'm sick of just thinking about everything or feeling like a victim.
I still think of him when I hear songs that were popular when we were dating, or when I see movies we saw together, or his favorite television shows or anything that we both liked. And at first honestly I hated that I thought of him because it hurt so bad, but now I've realized it's okay, because love comes and love goes and sometimes it breaks your heart but if it really hurts when it's over it just proves it was a relationship worth having. Right now we don't talk, not because we're on bad terms but just because we're not dating. I think it's healthy right now. We both need our space, which we didn't get right off the bat... Who knows if one day we will be friends again, but honestly what will be will be. I can't sit around thinking about that, I have to figure out myself and continue to move on.
Although my heart broke when this relationship ended, I don't regret it. I don't think I ever will, because he taught me to be fearless without even meaning to. And I will always be grateful to him for doing that, no matter what.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air*
So I can't really figure out what to write about. I have a little bit of writer's block I guess. I feel like I've been in a "writer's block" for the past four months. That sounds dramatic. Obviously I've been able to think and write over these past few months, but I have been turning off my thoughts and stuff a lot. Anyway, I'm not going to focus on the bad, but sometimes I work myself up to the point where I can't breathe and then I hyperventilate. There are a few things that have helped me in the past when I'm having these panic attacks: breathing into a plastic bag, running, or crying. The last one is not really a choice, it just happens.
Ok so a few months ago I got that feeling where I knew I was going to have one of these panic attacks so I went to the gym at school and I ran sprints. It was the night I became single and I literally did not know what to do. So I went to the gym and ran and ran, while blasting music in my ears turned up all the way. I didn't even realize I was crying until I couldn't breathe, like at all. I felt my face and it was wet. It was a very strange sensation. Luckily no one else was in the gym, for once. I pulled myself together and continued to run, because that's all I knew I could do. I put all I was feeling into that run.
About a month after that when I had made a lot of mistakes I wished I could take back and I was mad (at myself and a few others) I felt like a wanted to start a fight with someone. Anyone. Luckily I didn't because I don't know a thing about fighting anyone. My friend talked me out of it and I found myself at the gym again. This time it was the treadmill. I turned up Christina's "You Lost Me" and I sprinted my guts out. Literally. I almost threw up. Sorry if this doesn't seem to make sense at this moment... but I promise I'll tie it together soon.
So yesterday I got that feeling again. I knew it was time to run again. So I laced up my sneaks, put on some leggings and sweats, and under armor, a shirt, and a sweatshirt (I live in New England so it's not like I could go out in shorts and a t-shirt)... Anyway so I drove down to the beach where I run in the summertime. I was a little nervous to run because I knew I am not in the best shape of my life but I also am sick of sitting around waiting for things to change. So I knew I had to just "start shooting one day and deal with the pain" (kudos to you if you knew that was a OTH quote... bonus points if you knew it was Nathan who said it...) I started running up the hill on the edge of the beach and the wind was against me. I realized it was going to be harder than I thought to run, but I didn't want to stop. I got to the top of the hill and saw the open ocean for the first time since this summer and my breath caught up to me. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I could actually breathe normally in a long time. Full, deep, clean breaths of ocean air. It was liberating.
And yes I'm sure this sounds so fake to most of you, but in reality I realized that I can't sit around in my house all day and night waiting for some sort of inspiration or change to come through and hit me in the face, but I have to get out there and do something for myself. And even when I want to stop I have to keep going. My heart is on the mend. Just like my arm and it's going to take time but I can't just sit around and do nothing about it in the mean time. And my heart is starting to feel better already. I put it through a lot of pain this semester but luckily I am finding my way back to being in a good place. So until I reach that great place I will just keep breathing. And running. And living. And laughing. And just breathing. It seems simple but it's not always the easiest thing for me to do.
Ok so a few months ago I got that feeling where I knew I was going to have one of these panic attacks so I went to the gym at school and I ran sprints. It was the night I became single and I literally did not know what to do. So I went to the gym and ran and ran, while blasting music in my ears turned up all the way. I didn't even realize I was crying until I couldn't breathe, like at all. I felt my face and it was wet. It was a very strange sensation. Luckily no one else was in the gym, for once. I pulled myself together and continued to run, because that's all I knew I could do. I put all I was feeling into that run.
About a month after that when I had made a lot of mistakes I wished I could take back and I was mad (at myself and a few others) I felt like a wanted to start a fight with someone. Anyone. Luckily I didn't because I don't know a thing about fighting anyone. My friend talked me out of it and I found myself at the gym again. This time it was the treadmill. I turned up Christina's "You Lost Me" and I sprinted my guts out. Literally. I almost threw up. Sorry if this doesn't seem to make sense at this moment... but I promise I'll tie it together soon.
So yesterday I got that feeling again. I knew it was time to run again. So I laced up my sneaks, put on some leggings and sweats, and under armor, a shirt, and a sweatshirt (I live in New England so it's not like I could go out in shorts and a t-shirt)... Anyway so I drove down to the beach where I run in the summertime. I was a little nervous to run because I knew I am not in the best shape of my life but I also am sick of sitting around waiting for things to change. So I knew I had to just "start shooting one day and deal with the pain" (kudos to you if you knew that was a OTH quote... bonus points if you knew it was Nathan who said it...) I started running up the hill on the edge of the beach and the wind was against me. I realized it was going to be harder than I thought to run, but I didn't want to stop. I got to the top of the hill and saw the open ocean for the first time since this summer and my breath caught up to me. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I could actually breathe normally in a long time. Full, deep, clean breaths of ocean air. It was liberating.
And yes I'm sure this sounds so fake to most of you, but in reality I realized that I can't sit around in my house all day and night waiting for some sort of inspiration or change to come through and hit me in the face, but I have to get out there and do something for myself. And even when I want to stop I have to keep going. My heart is on the mend. Just like my arm and it's going to take time but I can't just sit around and do nothing about it in the mean time. And my heart is starting to feel better already. I put it through a lot of pain this semester but luckily I am finding my way back to being in a good place. So until I reach that great place I will just keep breathing. And running. And living. And laughing. And just breathing. It seems simple but it's not always the easiest thing for me to do.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I don't wanna miss a thing*
So the majority of you reading this probably have no idea what the background picture of this blog is... Well, I do. It's the parliament building in my favorite city in the world; Budapest, Hungary. You might think this is a random way to start a post, but every story has a beginning and that is where mine starts. Now I wasn't born in Budapest, and I didn't grow up there, but that is where I was first fearless.
My family and I moved there when I was going into the sixth grade. I must say at first I wasn't totally thrilled with the idea of living in my least favorite city I had ever visited for six months (that was my first experience with Budapest - that I didn't like it... but that thought did not last too long). Anyway I knew it was going to be hard but I also knew we were going to a really nice American school - with a lot of cool things that my current school did not have. So we moved there, with lots of tears saying goodbye to my best friend and her family and a lot of reluctancy to get on the plane (but let's face it I couldn't stay home alone while my family went overseas). When we landed in the Ferihegy airport I told myself to just deal with it and give my heart here. My parents needed me to lead my siblings and be the one who set the mood of the time spent here. So here I was in a foreign country where I did not speak the language... As a sixth grader. Quite the predicament.
I went to my orientation of my new school and the principal told the new students "Students come in here kicking and screaming, but they always leave kicking and screaming too." I was not a believer. I remember telling myself I would not enjoy it here and that I would be happy to leave in six months...
Fast forward a couple of months and you would find a secure, happy, loving six grader with friends from all over the world (literally) who was planning on persuading her parents to get them to let her stay longer than six months. That's when we had a family meeting and they told us the church needed us to stay a whole year. I was thrilled. We moved into a nicer apartment with more space and I was able to keep all of my friends and continue to fall in love with Budapest.
Budapest was the best place for me, not because of the city or the school though... I was fearless there. It wasn't that I wasn't afraid of being in a foreign country without my old friends but I put those fears aside and let myself go and enjoyed every moment of it. I fell in love with that city and the people in it. Hard. It wasn't like any other country I had experienced, mostly because I was at such an impressionable age. Most people who are in sixth and seventh grade start to figure out who they want to be in the world, or at least I did. I started realizing I wanted to live in Budapest when I was older. I never wanted to leave. I had friends and a church family there. Even though I missed my family and friends back home in the States, I loved it so much in Budapest that I wouldn't have been too upset if we stayed there through high school.
Of course, life doesn't always go as planned. Actually the majority of the time it does not go how you personally have planned. So on March 31, 2003 we had to get back onto a plane and fly back home. I remember when I first found out we'd be leaving my heart felt like it had an elephant sitting on it. It's a feeling I get now from time to time. I remember trying to figure out a way to lock myself in a closet of my friends' or just put up a great enough fight that we could stay... But I was fighting a loosing battle. If we stayed here after the 31st my parents wouldn't be getting paid and our car and house would be gone... In other words it was the only thing we could do. And once again, being the oldest I felt like it was my job to put on a brave face and try to deal with leaving.
Saying goodbye to my friends there and the city was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I would cry until I ran out of tears, take a break for a few minutes and then continue to sob. It wasn't fun at all. "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was one of my friends and my songs and whenever it played from the moment I found out the news until about three years ago I would cry. If you catch me on a bad day that song can still bring a tear or two to my eyes (eight years later!!)... That's the hopeless romantic slash overactive tear duct syndrome I mentioned before in me though.
Driving to the airport the night we left I listened to Janet Jackson's "Together Again" on my NOW CD on repeat (wow, that was an embarrassing sentence to put together). Luckily I switched to Usher during our layover... This was when I first learned the art of drowning out all of my feelings, thoughts, and any sounds into my headphones. I still do this when I can't deal with something or just want an escape. I turn my music up all the way and put in my headphones (one day I'll probably be deaf because of it).
To sum up this long and kind of jumpy blog post... I fell in love with Budapest and leaving it just about killed me. Well it didn't kill me, but it killed the fearless part of my heart and it killed the freedom I had in giving my heart. We moved close to my cousins when we moved back and I had to share my cousin's friends - which I am grateful to her for being willing to do - but I really didn't like it. I would come home and immediately email my friends in Budapest, or MSN messenger them, or even video/voice chat with them. Those were the moments of the day that kept me going. I would write about things I missed about Budapest. Eventually it was hard to describe what exactly I missed about the city. It was just a feeling I had. I knew if I went back things wouldn't be the same but I figured I might feel the same way... I might feel free again. I may not just shut off all my feelings and I may actually let someone in again.
I wish I could say I snapped out of it in a few weeks. But sadly I wasn't truly happy and content with myself again until my sophomore year of high school. And even then I still missed Budapest... But by then that wasn't the only thing I thought about. And my then although I still couldn't listen to "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," at least I didn't burst into uncontrollable sobbing when I did hear the first few notes on the radio. I decided to start this "Road to Becoming Fearless" blog adventure with this story because I am planning on getting this feeling from Budapest back. I don't want to become fearless unless it comes from within and it is for myself. Not for anyone else.
So now when you see the picture of Budapest in the background, know that it is there as a small reminder to myself to be fearless. Everyday.
My family and I moved there when I was going into the sixth grade. I must say at first I wasn't totally thrilled with the idea of living in my least favorite city I had ever visited for six months (that was my first experience with Budapest - that I didn't like it... but that thought did not last too long). Anyway I knew it was going to be hard but I also knew we were going to a really nice American school - with a lot of cool things that my current school did not have. So we moved there, with lots of tears saying goodbye to my best friend and her family and a lot of reluctancy to get on the plane (but let's face it I couldn't stay home alone while my family went overseas). When we landed in the Ferihegy airport I told myself to just deal with it and give my heart here. My parents needed me to lead my siblings and be the one who set the mood of the time spent here. So here I was in a foreign country where I did not speak the language... As a sixth grader. Quite the predicament.
I went to my orientation of my new school and the principal told the new students "Students come in here kicking and screaming, but they always leave kicking and screaming too." I was not a believer. I remember telling myself I would not enjoy it here and that I would be happy to leave in six months...
Fast forward a couple of months and you would find a secure, happy, loving six grader with friends from all over the world (literally) who was planning on persuading her parents to get them to let her stay longer than six months. That's when we had a family meeting and they told us the church needed us to stay a whole year. I was thrilled. We moved into a nicer apartment with more space and I was able to keep all of my friends and continue to fall in love with Budapest.
Budapest was the best place for me, not because of the city or the school though... I was fearless there. It wasn't that I wasn't afraid of being in a foreign country without my old friends but I put those fears aside and let myself go and enjoyed every moment of it. I fell in love with that city and the people in it. Hard. It wasn't like any other country I had experienced, mostly because I was at such an impressionable age. Most people who are in sixth and seventh grade start to figure out who they want to be in the world, or at least I did. I started realizing I wanted to live in Budapest when I was older. I never wanted to leave. I had friends and a church family there. Even though I missed my family and friends back home in the States, I loved it so much in Budapest that I wouldn't have been too upset if we stayed there through high school.
Of course, life doesn't always go as planned. Actually the majority of the time it does not go how you personally have planned. So on March 31, 2003 we had to get back onto a plane and fly back home. I remember when I first found out we'd be leaving my heart felt like it had an elephant sitting on it. It's a feeling I get now from time to time. I remember trying to figure out a way to lock myself in a closet of my friends' or just put up a great enough fight that we could stay... But I was fighting a loosing battle. If we stayed here after the 31st my parents wouldn't be getting paid and our car and house would be gone... In other words it was the only thing we could do. And once again, being the oldest I felt like it was my job to put on a brave face and try to deal with leaving.
Saying goodbye to my friends there and the city was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I would cry until I ran out of tears, take a break for a few minutes and then continue to sob. It wasn't fun at all. "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was one of my friends and my songs and whenever it played from the moment I found out the news until about three years ago I would cry. If you catch me on a bad day that song can still bring a tear or two to my eyes (eight years later!!)... That's the hopeless romantic slash overactive tear duct syndrome I mentioned before in me though.
Driving to the airport the night we left I listened to Janet Jackson's "Together Again" on my NOW CD on repeat (wow, that was an embarrassing sentence to put together). Luckily I switched to Usher during our layover... This was when I first learned the art of drowning out all of my feelings, thoughts, and any sounds into my headphones. I still do this when I can't deal with something or just want an escape. I turn my music up all the way and put in my headphones (one day I'll probably be deaf because of it).
To sum up this long and kind of jumpy blog post... I fell in love with Budapest and leaving it just about killed me. Well it didn't kill me, but it killed the fearless part of my heart and it killed the freedom I had in giving my heart. We moved close to my cousins when we moved back and I had to share my cousin's friends - which I am grateful to her for being willing to do - but I really didn't like it. I would come home and immediately email my friends in Budapest, or MSN messenger them, or even video/voice chat with them. Those were the moments of the day that kept me going. I would write about things I missed about Budapest. Eventually it was hard to describe what exactly I missed about the city. It was just a feeling I had. I knew if I went back things wouldn't be the same but I figured I might feel the same way... I might feel free again. I may not just shut off all my feelings and I may actually let someone in again.
I wish I could say I snapped out of it in a few weeks. But sadly I wasn't truly happy and content with myself again until my sophomore year of high school. And even then I still missed Budapest... But by then that wasn't the only thing I thought about. And my then although I still couldn't listen to "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," at least I didn't burst into uncontrollable sobbing when I did hear the first few notes on the radio. I decided to start this "Road to Becoming Fearless" blog adventure with this story because I am planning on getting this feeling from Budapest back. I don't want to become fearless unless it comes from within and it is for myself. Not for anyone else.
So now when you see the picture of Budapest in the background, know that it is there as a small reminder to myself to be fearless. Everyday.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind trying to get it back*
Taylor Swift has a quote that inspired this blog for me:
I read this quote about a year and a half ago, reading the insert of her CD Fearless and it spoke to me. I'm not trying to say that Taylor Swift knows all things about love and life or anything, because let's face it she's only about six months older than me. But she tends to make a lot of sense to me in her songs and her quotes, like the one above. Different parts of this quote have reached out to me throughout the past year and a half. At first I read this when I thought I was in love with one of my guy friends. Truth is I liked him for sure but I didn't love him. But he had a girlfriend, so obviously "You Belong With Me" became my anthem. I felt so "fearless" thinking I was in love with him even though we could never be. At other times I have been sobbing on the bathroom floor (well actually in my bed or in the hallway somewhere, but you get the point)... Anyway this quote has shown me that if I believe I can get through a lot. Honestly I don't even know why I made this blog. I just feel like I need someone to talk to and I'm not about to make podcasts and put them all over the web and get a stalker like Peyton from One Tree Hill (I know I'm a sad individual) so I figured a blog could work... We'll see if I keep up with it.
I'm planning on being brutally honest in this, with myself and with whoever is reading this. I won't name names because that will just start drama and who really wants that? I know I don't. But I will tell real life stories and I will talk about people who are real, I will just let you be the detective and figure out who it really is on your own.
I am taking a semester off of school. I guess that's the main thing that defines me right now. That and just being. Numbness has also been a thing defining me for the past few months. Since October actually. I turned off my feelings on the thirteenth day of that month when I got my heart broken for the first time in my life. I was not fearless in that moment. I didn't handle it well. In the least bit. I've always known I "love too hard" as I call it. I tend to dream up situations with friends who are actually in love with you or boyfriends who never will leave you or hurt you. I'm basically a hopeless romantic, and I feel a lot and care about people. To the point where I cry when someone famous wins an award, or when the perfect harmony is sung, and even at an occasional Walmart commercial. Don't even get me started on Up or Toy Story 3... Anyway in real life, it takes me a really long time to give myself to someone, friend or boy or anyone... But once I do I kind of can't stop and I end up loving way to hard for what is safe. With that being said getting my heart broken made me turn all my feelings off so that I wouldn't break down every second of every day. But I'll get to that portion of my life later. As I said, I am taking a semester off of school.
Truth is, I love my school. I love my friends. I love my team. I love spending all my time there and having fun. Sadly, I spent the past semester in a fantasy world where there would be no consequences or that I could literally just coast, not show up, and figure it all out in the end. I was obviously wrong. So I decided to take the semester off for a few reasons. One, was to screw my head back on to my shoulders the right way, because my head was usually tucked away in my closet or somewhere else hidden for the majority of the semester. Two, I wanted to be away from all the drama and all the people at school who I didn't want to see. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the stupid things, like seeing a boy that treated me wrong or just having to deal with the gossip after every single weekend. Three, I really dug myself into a hole academically and instead of having to try and dig myself out while I wasn't ready I figured to take some time off and re-center myself I could go back and deal with that all when I was strong again. Four, I needed to figure out who I was/am. Which I don't know if I will accomplish but I needed to give it a shot without a bunch of people around me. I needed some "me time." Five, I did a lot of things I regretted this semester and although part of me wanted to go back and face them head on I knew I wasn't ready. I also had faced a lot of them already so I was pretty much over doing that anymore. Six, I knew there were people who cared about me that I had hurt up there, especially one boy in particular and I figured not seeing me around being depressed and upset all the time would help him as much as it would help me.
Anyway, so since I've been home I have been missing my friends at school and the people who really cared about me. I pushed a lot of people away this semester. Like a lot. Basically every person that had ever showed any concern in my well being. Every friend that I had going into this semester I either hurt or cut out of my life. I didn't want to feel anything towards anyone this semester because I was hurting so much inside. For a number of different reasons. I've been trying to mend some of my friendships and I've been trying to mend my own heart. Because I know I can't stand with someone else before I am completely comfortable standing by myself. One of my friends told me that this year and it is true, not only with a boyfriend situation but with any of my friends. I can't be a friend to someone if I can't get out of my own head and realize I am not a victim. That same friend told me that recently too. She's a smart girl.
So this blog is all about me trying to be fearless. And I know that when I return to school next fall I will be fearless. That doesn't mean I won't be scared sometimes or that I won't have some doubts. But through all of those I will believe in myself. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. So here is to new beginnings and fresh starts. Here is to starting over and to mending old friendships. Here is to becoming fearless.
"To me, “fearless” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s Fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."
I read this quote about a year and a half ago, reading the insert of her CD Fearless and it spoke to me. I'm not trying to say that Taylor Swift knows all things about love and life or anything, because let's face it she's only about six months older than me. But she tends to make a lot of sense to me in her songs and her quotes, like the one above. Different parts of this quote have reached out to me throughout the past year and a half. At first I read this when I thought I was in love with one of my guy friends. Truth is I liked him for sure but I didn't love him. But he had a girlfriend, so obviously "You Belong With Me" became my anthem. I felt so "fearless" thinking I was in love with him even though we could never be. At other times I have been sobbing on the bathroom floor (well actually in my bed or in the hallway somewhere, but you get the point)... Anyway this quote has shown me that if I believe I can get through a lot. Honestly I don't even know why I made this blog. I just feel like I need someone to talk to and I'm not about to make podcasts and put them all over the web and get a stalker like Peyton from One Tree Hill (I know I'm a sad individual) so I figured a blog could work... We'll see if I keep up with it.
I'm planning on being brutally honest in this, with myself and with whoever is reading this. I won't name names because that will just start drama and who really wants that? I know I don't. But I will tell real life stories and I will talk about people who are real, I will just let you be the detective and figure out who it really is on your own.
I am taking a semester off of school. I guess that's the main thing that defines me right now. That and just being. Numbness has also been a thing defining me for the past few months. Since October actually. I turned off my feelings on the thirteenth day of that month when I got my heart broken for the first time in my life. I was not fearless in that moment. I didn't handle it well. In the least bit. I've always known I "love too hard" as I call it. I tend to dream up situations with friends who are actually in love with you or boyfriends who never will leave you or hurt you. I'm basically a hopeless romantic, and I feel a lot and care about people. To the point where I cry when someone famous wins an award, or when the perfect harmony is sung, and even at an occasional Walmart commercial. Don't even get me started on Up or Toy Story 3... Anyway in real life, it takes me a really long time to give myself to someone, friend or boy or anyone... But once I do I kind of can't stop and I end up loving way to hard for what is safe. With that being said getting my heart broken made me turn all my feelings off so that I wouldn't break down every second of every day. But I'll get to that portion of my life later. As I said, I am taking a semester off of school.
Truth is, I love my school. I love my friends. I love my team. I love spending all my time there and having fun. Sadly, I spent the past semester in a fantasy world where there would be no consequences or that I could literally just coast, not show up, and figure it all out in the end. I was obviously wrong. So I decided to take the semester off for a few reasons. One, was to screw my head back on to my shoulders the right way, because my head was usually tucked away in my closet or somewhere else hidden for the majority of the semester. Two, I wanted to be away from all the drama and all the people at school who I didn't want to see. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the stupid things, like seeing a boy that treated me wrong or just having to deal with the gossip after every single weekend. Three, I really dug myself into a hole academically and instead of having to try and dig myself out while I wasn't ready I figured to take some time off and re-center myself I could go back and deal with that all when I was strong again. Four, I needed to figure out who I was/am. Which I don't know if I will accomplish but I needed to give it a shot without a bunch of people around me. I needed some "me time." Five, I did a lot of things I regretted this semester and although part of me wanted to go back and face them head on I knew I wasn't ready. I also had faced a lot of them already so I was pretty much over doing that anymore. Six, I knew there were people who cared about me that I had hurt up there, especially one boy in particular and I figured not seeing me around being depressed and upset all the time would help him as much as it would help me.
Anyway, so since I've been home I have been missing my friends at school and the people who really cared about me. I pushed a lot of people away this semester. Like a lot. Basically every person that had ever showed any concern in my well being. Every friend that I had going into this semester I either hurt or cut out of my life. I didn't want to feel anything towards anyone this semester because I was hurting so much inside. For a number of different reasons. I've been trying to mend some of my friendships and I've been trying to mend my own heart. Because I know I can't stand with someone else before I am completely comfortable standing by myself. One of my friends told me that this year and it is true, not only with a boyfriend situation but with any of my friends. I can't be a friend to someone if I can't get out of my own head and realize I am not a victim. That same friend told me that recently too. She's a smart girl.
So this blog is all about me trying to be fearless. And I know that when I return to school next fall I will be fearless. That doesn't mean I won't be scared sometimes or that I won't have some doubts. But through all of those I will believe in myself. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. So here is to new beginnings and fresh starts. Here is to starting over and to mending old friendships. Here is to becoming fearless.
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