Find a path that is your own, love will open every door*

Just a little food for thought between posts...  

There always comes a time of elimination. The earth sheds 

each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity. 

As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body 

sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly; so naturally 

and silently that we do not realize it is happening. The 

heart and the spirit also shed. They shed the emotions and 

experiences that we no longer need. 

They shed the things that stunt our  growth. 

This, too, is an invisible process. 

Yet because of the energy involved, the emotional energy, 

we often feel the emotional and spiritual shedding; it feels 

as if we are dying. We are. Just like the flowers and the 

trees, we are dying to an old identity. This shedding, or 

death, is not the end of us, it is the beginning.

~Iyanla Vanzant 

And we lost ourselves, the love has died. And oh, we tried, you can't deny, we're left as shells, we lost the fight*

      I'm not sure what this post will end up being about. I've had a lot of things happen to me this past week. And at the same time nothing has really happened. There were a few things I realized about myself that I think I have not wanted to express out of fear. Fear that if I thought those thoughts it would make me weak or make me overly emotional. I was actually watching a television show the other day and the girl had gone through a horrible experience - losing her dad - but i found myself relating to her emotionally. She felt that showing emotions was a sign of weakness, and that crying about what happened or even thinking about it would mean she was weak. In all honesty I haven't dealt with anything that extreme at all, and I hope I don't have to for a long time... But I do what she was doing. I bottle everything up and then I let it boil over or I peel away layers of my feelings at a time. For example: Since I've been taking the semester off, I dealt with a lot of the things I had gone through right away but then I bottled it up and layer by layer I started dealing with my feelings. Leaving the really intense, deep stuff for last of course... The funny thing with planning these things out is that there is almost always a wrench that gets thrown into the mix. 

         Earlier in the week, the boy I wrote a previous post about and I deleted each other from our lives. It's kind of funny to say it that way, but that's what we did. Literally deleted our numbers from our phones, deleted previous conversations, and he even blocked me on Facebook (dun dun dunnnnn haha) When you hear this you might wonder what blocking means, and it means we don't exist in each other's lives anymore. Facebook takes away all comments or "likes" or wall posts or anything that the person has done or will do in the future. And obviously taking his number out of my phone means I can't text or call him - not that we were talking at all anyway - but it takes the possibility away. Anyway, most ex's do this at some point in their "relationship" we just happened to do it months after the breakup and all the closure we both got from things. I think in general we did things a little backwards in the beginning of our break up. It was too hard to get a clean break when we saw each other everyday or heard of the other from mutual friends or sat in the same class once a week or when Facebook is telling you everything about them since it knew you were together/interested in each other before that. It's hard to get over someone when they are literally in your face all the time. So we definitely broke up right away but I know I didn't get the clean break I needed and I wasn't able to "mourn" the ending of our relationship in the right way. 

           Sorry for these long run on sentences and long paragraphs (I just am writing from my brain to my fingers and that doesn't always make sense) but I promise I have a point to this... Ok so as I was saying, I wasn't planning on dealing with the emotions of our break up really intensely until I had dealt with a few other things I went through this semseter BUT life doesn't always listen to you. Which is usually a good thing. In this case it was. A stunt like this (basically being told I was unwanted to the point of not wanting to even see my face online) would have probably set me down a horrible path a few months ago, honestly probably even three weeks ago, but I've been getting stronger and better everyday so it didn't set me off into a bad place. It made me mad at first. It felt very much out of the blue and random to me (I mean I haven't been talking to him so I don't know what he's going through) and it definitely hurt (I'd be lying if I said it didn't). Mostly because the person that was texting me didn't seem like the boy I had fallen in love with. I know I'm not the same girl so it shouldn't have surprised me too much. But it definitely hurt because it was kind of another rejection, but I completely understand that he probably needs his space and needs to be separated from me completely, and seeing as I am not at school this clean break is an actual possibility now. 

         I'm not going to lie: I'm suprised by my reaction to the situation. I feel like I am finally starting to be strong again, but I'm feeling things again too. I'm not just holding it all in or dissecting it layer by layer. I am taking things in and standing strong through them. I'm honestly kind of proud of myself. I feel like I am starting to mature. Everyone told me in the beginning "Time will heal everything" and as annoying as that is and as much as I literally hate waiting for anything, it is really true. Time is the reason I am able to stand strong again. Sometimes you just have to get up to make sure you can stand at all. 

          I'm not really the kind of person to let people back in very easily and honestly I am just sort of over everything. Not in an "I don't want to feel anything" way but I literally just in a "I've dealt with what you've given me and I am done" kind of way. I don't know if I'm making much sense but I literally am just feeling a bit of relief. And in the fall I have no idea if I'll even see him or talk to him and I'm honestly okay with that. I feel like I have so many more things to look forward to. I have volleyball and some amazing friends who have helped me through a lot, and I have school which I need to hit out of the park. I am really content being me. Since I don't let people in very easily, it does stink that the first time I did I got bitten but it's okay now. Everyone deals with heartbreak, everyone deals with dark days... If we didn't the good days wouldn't look so good. I don't know if we will ever be friends again and literally for the first time since we broke up I realize I don't need to be his friend. I don't need him in my life at all. I have wanted him in my life and may want him there again as a friend or acquantaince. But I don't have him in my life and I am surviving. For awhile I felt like I needed him to survive - that tends to happen when you make someone your everything. But I don't need him. 

           I hope that doesn't come across as snobby or rude because that's not how I mean it. It really is just about how I am feeling, free and happy about where I am in my life. It's great to know that the decision to take a semester off was the right one... Maybe the smartest of my life (definitely one of the smartest). I think I am finally getting over being the victim and I am trying to fight. I'm starting to fight for myself. And I'm winning the fight. Some of the things that I did this semester will follow me for the rest of my life but I realize that is okay. I had my first heartbreak and that is okay. I really messed up a few times. That is okay too. It's all part of life. If we weren't meant to make our own mistakes and learn from them, we wouldn't be given the opportunity to do just that. 

             As for me and this boy I think our chapter in my life can finally be closed. I feel like recently it has been a battle and a fight... One of Christina Aguilera's song has been reaching out to me because I think it says it all... Here are some of the lyrics to "You Lost Me"

 

I am done, smoking gun

We've lost it all, the love is gone... 

And we had magic

And this is tragic...

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We found our life's been changed

Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried

We lost ourselves, the love has died

And oh, we tried, you can't deny

We're left as shells, we lost the fight

          I know I'm a huge lame-o for being so obsessed with her music but this song speaks to me. Not all love stories last forever, not all of them end in the people being friends. Sometimes they just end. And that doesn't mean you didn't try or you didn't fight for it. But you just have to throw the towel in and work on yourself. I think not being friends is what we need right now and honestly I don't know if we ever will be. It would be a big deal for me to let the one who did a lot of damage to me back in, even just as friends, and right now I am okay with that. I'm okay with not talking or existing to him. We just didn't have a love story that was meant to go on as a friendship story. 


          This will most likely be the last post about him (I mean it's not like I'm getting any new information about him now haha) and I think that is for the best. I needed to completely let him go. And I think I have. This is just another step to becoming fearless and to becoming myself. because 

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."

And when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got*

     Most people who know me know my family. We're kind of a package deal. I'm most fearless when I'm surrounded by my family. Before I explain how awesome my family is, I want to say that my brother and sister are literally two of my best friends. I've always had them by my side, whether we were simply running around barefoot, or crying in the dark in a foreign country. I have always had the two of them by my side, and I always will. I know that.


     Families in general are interesting. Every single person in the world has a family. Now that family may not be with you, it may not look like everyone else's, but it is one of the one things that no matter who you are, you have one or had one. Families can be great, they can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world. They can also fall short, but either way you spin it they are your family. 


     Today, there are a lot of tv shows on about families... I love the shows Parenthood and Modern Family. Parenthood shows me how my life will probably be in a few years, full of family and love. Modern Family is probably similar to my life too in the crazy department. I think both these shows show "real" families, which I like. My family probably falls pretty close to the middle of their spectrum of craziness, love, real issues, and life. I'll just tell you a little bit about my family (on my mom's side)


      So there are seven of us cousins and then my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my other uncle, and my parents. We all live close to each other - after Budapest we needed to be close to family to survive. I went through high school with three of my cousins and my brother... They went to college together and I went to my own school. I never really thought it was that big of a deal going to college by myself (I mean I had moved about ten times before college, so moving felt pretty natural) BUT I had always had my brother and sister with me. It was scary the first few weeks up there. It never actually was easy to be away from my family, I doubt it ever will be. They are all my friends before they are my family. 


      A few weeks ago I really found out how close we all are. It was amazing. We all have been going through a lot of life changing moments in our lives, and we all figured we should talk about them. But we had no idea it would turn into a five hour discussion about everything that we were feeling - pretty much since eight years ago... Some people probably cringe thinking about opening up to their family especially their parents, but for me it's natural. That discussion was eye opening for me in a different way though. I saw all my cousins and siblings being so open with what they were currently going through which were things I had gone through over the past year and semester... but they were talking about it as it happened! I don't do that. With anything. When I'm going through something or having an issue I bottle it up and try to fix it on my own. The thing with bottling things up is that when there gets to be too much bottled it kind of explodes. Cue my life. With everything I've ever felt or had going on in my life I always bottle it up and then when it gets to be too much for myself or something else bigger happens it all comes pouring out... Which sometimes leads to disaster. 


      Anyway I really look up to all of them for being so brave. Braver than I've ever been. My family makes me fearless though, when I am around them I am braver than when I'm alone, because they know me better than I know myself most days. Sometimes they drive me crazy or fill my Facebook news feed up with pictures of Justin Bieber, but I love them no matter what. I've also realized that my family loves me no matter what. No matter how short I fall or how badly I mess up they are always going to be there to give me a hand or just to love me and believe in me. I know that I can become a better person because they believe I can. 


      That's why taking a semester off was kind of a no brainer.... Why shouldn't I try to become a better version of myself surrounded by some of the only people I have ever truly let into the deep little corners of my heart? It's been working, although most of my change has been because of myself, it is also nice to have people around me that would literally turn their worlds upside down just so that I can get the help I need. My family always makes me fearless and gives me the hope I need to know everything is going to be better.