Time to figure myself out. Without a time limit. Without pressure. Without so much hurt. I'm figuring out that it is okay to not know who I am. I'm only 22, this is the time when I am supposed to feel lost, confused, thrilled, upset, reckless, stable, unstable, joyful, utterly sorrowful... All at the same time if I want; this is my time to feel.
It's scary to be taking time off of school again, and it may sound silly to some people or stupid even since I only had a semester left. In all honesty, I doubt I would have made it out of that semester alive; physically or mentally. For some reason where I went to school sucked a lot of my spirit out of me, as well as a lot of my happiness. This may sound dramatic but it is absolutely true. I lose myself there. I lose the very essence of who I am, not that I know all of who I am yet, but every bit of me disappears there. It's not that over winter breaks, or while I'm home I magically become this perfect person, but, I am saying that when I am up there; away from everything that makes me whole; it's not pretty.
The truth is I have never, EVER been able to call any one place home; moving upwards of ten times before I was in high school kind of helped that process. I've had many houses, but none of those have been home. I've never stayed in one place long enough to say "that's where I took my first step" or "that's where I scraped my knee while chasing my brother." If I wanted to find those places I would have to take a mini vacation and do some serious traveling. And yet, even though I did not grow up here, every time I walk into my current house I feel it. That feeling children always described growing up. I feel at home. Which is weird for me. It feels strange. But it also feels safe. I feels so incredibly safe here. I know I am loved and cared for and that no matter how royally I screw up that I can come here. I know this because I have screwed up quite a bit in my short 22 years on Earth, and here I am. I also know this is a rare thing to feel, and I feel so blessed to have it. Now I'm not dumb, I know the reason I feel this way is because of the people in the house, not the actual house, but nonetheless it is a great feeling to finally have back in my life.
A lot of you probably think this is a step back - I assure you, it is not. It is a gigantic leap forward. It's a gigantic leap of faith. Faith in myself, in my family, in how much I want to change. And as scary as that is, I also feel that it is for the best. I know I will finish my degree, this time next year I will have my degree in hand. But the most important part of that statement is that this time next year there is a hand to hold that degree. It is most important that I am here - alive and happy - than if I have a degree or not. Life is truly too short to be anything but happy. It's foolish to be miserable. It's foolish to be upset.
I have no regrets. As much as there are things in my life I wish I did not have to go through, I know and believe they happened for a reason and they made me who I am today. When I started this blog two years ago (almost to the day) I was broken and hurt and angry and lost. Again, I am not saying that right now at this moment I have everything figured out - but I am saying that this time, leaving was my decision. And that says a lot about how much I have grown. I am finally able to recognize a destructive environment and I am able to get myself out of it.
Who knows what lies in my future - clearly I do not, but that's the whole point of life - to explore, to mess up, to laugh at your mistakes, to learn from them, to explore again, to mess up again, to experience love, to experience heart break, to get up and move on, to become better, to go out on a limb, to jump off of that limb, to learn to fly, then to soar, and to continue to explore more and more. Life is all about the journey, and how amazing you want your life to be is up to no one else but you. I find that exciting! Scary, sure. But mostly invigorating!
I started this blog with the idea of becoming fearless and as much as I think I have started to become that and potentially have reached some part of that, this next chapter in my life is going to be based on becoming beautiful. Some of you may think "does that mean you're going to beauty school?!" No. It doesn't, it means I am going to embody this quote...
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I understand the defeat, the suffering, the struggle, and the loss she begins her quote with and I've started to find myself out of those depths but the next step is to embody the compassion, gentleness, and deep loving concern she ends her quote with. That's the goal to, at some point in the future (with no time limit!), embody a truly beautiful person.
So here's to new beginnings and fresh starts, because (as my girl Tay Swift says) today is never too late to be brand new.
