"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering,
known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness,
and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen."
This is one of my favorite quotes. I like it because I relate to it. I relate to being in the suffering; struggling to make it through the day. I also have started to understand the other side of the quote. The understanding, the deep loving concern - even if those are not reciprocated back to me. I have already blogged about wanting to embody this quote but I wanted to bring the quote back again.
I'm not sure where this post will end up (when do I ever know where they'll end?). I'm not sure about a lot of things these days, not even what I will be doing tomorrow. Some people may think that it would be exciting to live such an open-ended life. But it's really not. Especially for someone who battles with anxiety and depression........... Well, I guess this post just got personal...
It's true, I do. I think most of it is when things get thrown off in my life. I have had some really dark days - most of my life has been great and there haven't been awful things like abuse or neglect that have set me off like some people deal with. But the thing is, you can't judge someone's journey by comparing it to someone else's. Again, overall my life has been amazing and most people probably would not understand why I would be so anxious that I have panic attacks or so depressed that I do not get out of bed for weeks. But, there it is. I do.
There is quite a large stigma about mental illnesses these days, a lot of people do not believe they exist or think they are not that extreme of an illness, but they are. Although depression and anxiety can take control of my life, it does not define who I am. That's part of what makes me a beautiful person, I don't mean on the outside, but on the inside. I have my own battle scars and I have more accomplishments and those are what make me a beautiful person.
Most of the time when I am thrown into these moments of anxiety or depression it is because I'm not expressing myself. Whether I'm not talking to people or even not talking to myself. I don't mean literally talking out loud to myself but writing. Writing has become my sacred place, my sanctuary, in my times of need. Even when I was twelve, agonizing over a ridiculous move from one side of the Atlantic to the other, I wrote. I wrote about how much I hated the move, I wrote about how sad I was leaving my friends, I wrote questions, answers, swears (sorry, Ma!), whatever came to my mind. Writing helped me (and still does help me) sort out some of the thoughts in my head that would otherwise take me captive.
Mostly because I have moved so many times, I do not enjoy opening up to people. There are three people in my life that know (almost) everything about me. Even within those three, not one of them knows everything. That's just too much for me to handle. That's why I write. Not so that people can read it (although one day I will write a comical best selling book) but so that I can heal. From all the pain in my life, from all of the love I've lost, from all of the love I've thrown away, from all the friends I have lost, from all the friends that have tossed me away... I write to heal.
I'm not saying that all I need in my life is a pen and paper, but if I did not have those two things a lot of my days would be much darker. The days, or weeks, or even months, in which I have been the most depressed or have had the most anxiety, are the days where I have not been open. Not to anyone specifically, but even to myself. The days I just shut everything off and do not write my feelings are the days that turn into weeks and then months of me coasting through.
Luckily I have an amazing support system and I can tell when I am going off the deep end, but overall the idea of opening up to a piece of paper gives me the comfort and freedom I need to not let my depression or anxiety take over my life. Some people are not as lucky as I am and I know that but that does not mean what I go through daily is not real.
The thing is, at the end of the day I have learned that I am strong, I am a fighter, I am courageous, and I can face anything that this world throws at me. Mostly, I am beautiful (no matter what they saaaaayyyy - had to throw some XTina in there). I am beautiful in the sense that I have seen my way out of suffering, struggling, loss, and the depths of my mind. I have seen myself out of these depths and I plan on continually seeing myself out of them, becoming more beautiful every single day.
No comments:
Post a Comment