It's all brand new, because of you. I hope I hear it forever*

This year has not been an easy one. The past few years haven't been so great either. I've put others before myself, people who do not care about me. I've put myself before the people who matter and care about me. I've been selfish about all the wrong things. I've been hurtful to myself and others. I've let some people go. Some were the right people to let go. Others weren't. I've been in a serious car accident... I've been given quite a few "wake up calls" that haven't woken me up. And I've had to say one of my hardest goodbyes.  

Lately I've been changing though. It's a scary thing to write. It's a scary thing to admit because I tend to sabotage myself when things are going well. I'm not going to do that this time though. Why not? Because things are different this time around.

I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I'm not changing for my family, for my friends, or for a boy (all of which I've done in the past). I am deciding how I want to live. I am deciding to better myself. I am choosing healthy ways to change. I am not reverting into bad habits or hurting myself anymore. 

I'm getting help. I have sought out someone who I can talk to, who is unbiased, someone who is starting to understand me little by little, and who is a professional. I know therapy is a stigmatized thing today, but it's helpful. Especially when you have been through some of the things I have been through. I don't want to hide the fact that this is helping me. She has helped me move in a positive direction. Has helped me not harm myself or others. Has empowered me to make decisions that help me. Has empowered me to realize the little steps are sometimes the biggest ones. 

Finally, I have started to really change from within. I have decided to stop hurting myself. To stop relying on boys to heal me. To stop putting myself in life threatening situations and testing my luck. I've decided that being happy is actually important to me. That I am important to me. That I have too much to lose every day to be so unhappy that I risk my life or my opportunities. I've realized that I have a support system, a strong one, made of people who actually believe in me, which is something not everyone has. And I am grateful for my life. 

It's been a hard year. But that does not define me. Sure, I've let it define me in the past, but right at this moment I am not defined by an awful year. I am not defined by depression. I am not defined by anxiety. I am not defined by my past mistakes. I am not defined by decisions I have made. I'm defined by what I say I am. Right now, I am beautiful. I am confident. I am cherished. I am special. I am strong. I am brave. 

It is important for me to put those words in writing. It is important that a year from now I can look back on this time in my life and realize how much I changed in one year. How much I've grown. The past few years have not been my most amazing, but that is okay. It really is okay to mess up, to make awful decisions. As long as you don't keep making them. 

It's important for me to accept myself. All my imperfections, all my flaws, all my battle scars. It's important for me to feel beautiful. To feel important. It's something I'm not used to doing and something that has taken me about four years to start accepting. I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. Who knows how long that could take to fully complete, but I'm okay with it taking awhile because I feel like I'm finally healing. I'm finally making my way to a place of peace. I do not want to go back to the girl I was before the past few years - she was not happy either. Instead I want to find the new woman who can look in the mirror and be proud of who is looking back at her. That's all I'm trying to find. Peace from within. 

One last quote before I sign off for the night and leave my heart out here for the internet to read... 

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity 

to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along"