The more I know, the less I understand, all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again... I think it's about forgiveness*

      A year ago today, everything changed. 

      A year ago today, I was weak.

      A year ago today, I thought I had lost my best friend.

      A year ago today, I couldn't rely on myself. 

      A year ago today, I had my heart broken. 

      Now I have already done enough blogging about my last relationship and this is not going to be about that but as I looked at my calendar this week I realized it was exactly a year ago today that I really was broken. I was not strong in the months or days leading up to that day but on that day I just gave up.

I was convinced I was losing my best friend.

 I was convinced I was losing someone I loved.

 I was convinced I would never be able to walk away completely. 

          Turns out, I was wrong. I wasn't losing my best friend because I still had her. My real best friends stayed by my through everything I put myself and them through. A real best friend wouldn't have put me through hell and then acted like the victim. I realize now I wasn't losing someone I truly loved. I was losing someone who had become all I thought I had. I was in love at points of our relationship but looking back I'm not sure how deep that love went. It definitely wasn't fully reciprocated. And I was definitely wrong about never being able to walk away. As hard as it was to walk away from the one person I relied on constantly it was such a healthy decision that was made that I can be nothing but grateful for that. 


        The road back has been a tough one and I am not here to say being back at school has been a walk in the park. It actually has been pretty tough most days. I live in the same building as last year, across from where he used to live, my volleyball schedule parallels everything that happened last year (down to the games being against the same teams and everything) which constantly reminds me of different situations last year, I see people I never wanted to see again every day, and I haven't been one hundred percent fearless at every moment. However, I was never looking to be perfect. That is literally impossible. What I wanted was to be fearless and to try my hardest every day to remember that I am stronger than I was last year, stronger than I have been in years. I know now that I don't need to rely on anyone else for my own happiness, my own happiness can't come from someone else solely because when that person vanishes it gets messy. 


       Time really does heal all wounds but there is another thing that has to come with time and that is forgiveness. In all honesty I haven't forgiven him. One of my best friends who always tells me the truth called me out on it the other day. Not that he wanted me to talk to him and forgive him face to face, but inside of me I have to forgive him. I have to fully accept that he did hurt me and did abandon me, I still need to forgive him because otherwise I won't be able to fully become fearless. It is so much easier to say than to do. Especially when I see all the mistakes I made daily and am constantly reminded of my darkest days, but I need to forgive him in order to move on with my life completely. Don't get me wrong - I have moved on from the relationship completely, but I need to move on in other ways. 


       I read the book Eat, Pray, Love this summer thinking it would inspire me and motivate me but really it made me irritated. I hated the "Love" section of the book. Why? Because she spends the entire book complaining about her ex and talking about how she doesn't believe in love anymore and then she falls in love with the first person that offers her a second look. I loved the book up until that point. She was so strong and independent and had forgiven her ex of everything he had done and then it felt like she threw it all away for some boy. I know I may be overreacting but I also feel that it bothered me mostly because I need to find my own closure and happiness without a boy attached to it. I have been way to dependent on that throughout my life. And it's time to be content by myself even when I am surrounded by people or opportunities (not just hanging out at home with my dog).


      I know I am rambling, I doubt this even makes sense, but I needed to get it out. I need to start forgiving the people who have hurt me and continue to forgive myself. And that list starts with me, goes on for quite some time but it ends with me too. In all of this I need to remember that I am already forgiven and my family and friends love me regardless of what I do or who I become. So instead of dwelling on the past of what today has meant I will focus on the future of what today will mean... 
     
      Today, I will start to forgive.