Guess what?? ... I made it! I survived an entire semester back at school after... Well... A rough patch. This was not the easiest time of my life being back here. And I definitely was not fearless the entire time but overall I conquered some demons and have been moving upwards and onwards since August. I wanted to write because it's been awhile - plus I'm in the middle of studying so obviously I need something to distract myself!
This time last year I was a train wreck. I had put myself through more than I ever thought I would and I was weak. I had put myself into a horrible spot in school and I had practically given up. One thing that makes life so interesting though is that right when you think there is not a way to get out, someone usually grabs your hand and pulls you through it. That happened to me. I was able to stop and look around and realize how much I still had going for me. I am grateful for the hands that grabbed me. They know who they are even if they do not read this. Anyway, I'm not trying to look back at my mistakes anymore. That's why I'm writing this because for the first time in about a year I am proud of myself.
Proud of myself. Wow. I haven't really thought about it that way, but it is true. I was able to walk back into school this year with my head held high. I was able to look people in the eyes that have hurt me and smile. I have been able to forgive. I have been able to... Well... Survive. I'm not saying I was perfect - far from it. I messed up some, I made some mistakes, but through it all I have been able to remember who I am. Honestly that's why I'm proud. Sure, I could have done a better job at some things but that's not what life is about. It's not about being perfect. It's not even about being close to perfect. Life is also not about being a victim... It's mostly about living and learning, even through the most miserable experiences life throws your way. I have found that I can survive quite a bit and that the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is one of the most true. That sounds so corny but sometimes you need to be a little corny.
Never in my life have I worked harder at surviving as I did this semester. But I wasn't drowning trying to get out of the water like I was last year. I was just fighting and pushing through... So I guess in a way I wasn't surviving, but I was fighting. This semester of school was not easy. Especially because this time last year I was not going to classes and had checked out mentally, pair that with taking a semester off and sitting on my couch and I was definitely hit with a culture shock. But I refused to let it stop me. I worked harder than I ever have to get the grades I have, at times it did not pay off and at other times it really paid off. Hopefully it all pays off in the end, but even if it does not I know I did my absolute best. That's all that should really matter anyway, is trying your best and putting your best effort into what ever you do.
I am so excited to be home tomorrow, honestly even more excited than last year. I can not wait to be surrounded by my family again. I am excited to relax and sleep, and not have a worry in the world. I think I have deserved it after all I have fought through this semester. I really was fearless through most of it - and that deserves some celebrating! This has not been the easiest semester to face. I knew I would see people I did not want to, I knew I would have to do well in school, and I knew I would be facing most of it alone. Not to say I didn't have friends here to back me up or family at home to call but I also knew I would, most days, be fighting and pushing by myself. I really was a fighter and I am so much stronger in my own beliefs and ideas than I was last year, or even two years ago. I think that is what is so amazing about life... It can push you around, beat you up, make you cry, laugh, want to just give up... But if you keep breathing, if you keep looking up, if you keep dreaming you can survive anything. And not just a weak, small recovery kind of survival, no. I'm talking about a strong, tough, ready to handle anything kind of survival. How amazing is that? I'll tell you... It's unbelievable.
I sometimes still get dizzy thinking about where my life was this time last year but I am so grateful that I was able to hold on. I am so glad I was able to pull myself out of the hole i had dug and that I have been just wiping the dirt off of me since I pulled myself out of it. I know all I have to do now is just continue to fight and I will be okay. Even better than okay. I will be great. But in the mean time I am just proud of myself. For coming back here. For facing all of my fears all at once. For putting myself out there. For getting hurt. For coming out braver than I have ever been. For just being me. And that is definitely something to be proud of. Just being me.
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