I have always had a sense of people. How to please them. How to get them to like me. How to interact with them. It all started when I was little. I was always comfortable with talking to adults and people I had never met. I liked impressing them. I moved about ten times before I hit junior high school so I was used to starting over and reinventing myself as I met new people. Sadly because of that I don't think I ever really found who I am. I think at times in my life I have had a great grasp of who I am or what I want to do with my life, so on and so forth, but at the same time I have been trying to impress or please people since I was little so I don't think I ever went through the self discovery process until recently.
I can remember as a kid knowing that because I was a minister's daughter that there was a certain way I should act. This wasn't put on me by my parents or anyone else but myself really. I wanted to be that "good girl" who is talked about throughout all the churches throughout the world. I know, I know I was a bit of a drama queen and was a little self absorbed. But nevertheless that's what I wanted with my life. To be known and "famous." So while all the other kids I knew were figuring out who they were I was figuring out how to be that perfect little girl that everyone held up as an example. (kind of stupid of me since I was so little) Anyway, by the time we moved to Budapest I was sick of moving. Like really done with it. I decided that I would be myself there. Whether that meant I was crazy and weird or boring and dull. And it was great. I made a lot of friends and I felt like myself. When we had to leave it was so hard for me I morphed back into my "people pleasing" ways.
I was always a different person with every group of friends I was with. I think most teenagers kind of go through this stage, trying to find themselves and their friends. But I was afraid to actually show who I was. Instead I just floated along, only a few people were able to see the "true me" even though I wasn't really sure who that was. Anyway fast forward through college and to where I am now...
This past semester even though it was some of the darkest and hardest days of my life I am so grateful for them because it truly helped me figure out who I am. Not that I have it all figured out - I don't really think you ever figure that out completely. But at the end of the semester I had distanced myself from everyone in my life. And although I wish I hadn't because I really hurt people it was the first time in pretty much my whole life that I was alone. And although I didn't really like it, I also realized it was good for me. Since then I've been home. And although I have made amends with my friends I hurt, most of the day I am alone. My sister is at school, my parents are at work. It's just me and my dog. So lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching and just trying to figure out who I am. I'm not sure I have figured it all out but I do know these few things to be true:
1. I don't let people in easily, but when I do let someone in I put all of my energy and time into them. Whether that's being a friend or girlfriend or babysitter or sister or cousin or grandchild, etc... I love too hard sometimes and that makes me susceptible to some heartbreak but I would rather have some heartbreak every once and awhile than to never feel love.
2. I love the rain. And the sunshine. And I only like snow between December 22-27.
3. I love volleyball and have never realized how much I could miss playing it as much as I do now.
4. I want to make a difference in the life of at least one child. I want to be a behavioral aid for children with development disorders (such as Autism and ADHD etc etc) and I would love to help at least one child to not only accept their disorder but to realize that they are perfect the way they are (and help them to control their disorder)
5. I want to have ethnic children. But I also don't want to have children for a long, long time.
6. I am trying to figure out what I believe about God and my faith and all that. For me. Not for people around me or my family or anyone else but myself.
7. Going back to school scares me to the point where I can stop breathing, but it also makes me really excited.
8. I have an online shopping addiction. Literally an addiction.
9. I love my family more than anything in the world and I literally think we are the best family out there. I know I'm technically biased but I really think we are so great.
10. I buy things like notebooks, books, notecards, and pens like it's my job and then usually never open the books, never write in the notebooks, nor use the notecards.
11. I have an extreme love for all things Christina Aguilera. I could listen to her for hours and hours (and I usually do).
12. I have the worst luck with phones. They tend to just give up on life when I get them in my possession.
So I know those are random and may not be too "life changing" to you but for me it's nice to understand little parts about myself so that I can figure out more and more about myself. I don't think the journey of finding yourself is really ever over but for now I am happy with what I have found out about myself.
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