Lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind trying to get it back*

Taylor Swift has a quote that inspired this blog for me: 

"To me, “fearless” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s Fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless." 

   I read this quote about a year and a half ago, reading the insert of her CD Fearless and it spoke to me. I'm not trying to say that Taylor Swift knows all things about love and life or anything, because let's face it she's only about six months older than me. But she tends to make a lot of sense to me in her songs and her quotes, like the one above. Different parts of this quote have reached out to me throughout the past year and a half. At first I read this when I thought I was in love with one of my guy friends. Truth is I liked him for sure but I didn't love him. But he had a girlfriend, so obviously "You Belong With Me" became my anthem. I  felt so "fearless" thinking I was in love with him even though we could never be. At other times I have been sobbing on the bathroom floor (well actually in my bed or in the hallway somewhere, but you get the point)... Anyway this quote has shown me that if I believe I can get through a lot. Honestly I don't even know why I made this blog. I just feel like I need someone to talk to and I'm not about to make podcasts and put them all over the web and get a stalker like Peyton from One Tree Hill (I know I'm a sad individual) so I figured a blog could work... We'll see if I keep up with it. 


    I'm planning on being brutally honest in this, with myself and with whoever is reading this. I won't name names because that will just start drama and who really wants that? I know I don't. But I will tell real life stories and I will talk about people who are real, I will just let you be the detective and figure out who it really is on your own.


    I am taking a semester off of school. I guess that's the main thing that defines me right now. That and just being. Numbness has also been a thing defining me for the past few months. Since October actually. I turned off my feelings on the thirteenth day of that month when I got my heart broken for the first time in my life. I was not fearless in that moment. I didn't handle it well. In the least bit. I've always known I "love too hard" as I call it. I tend to dream up situations with friends who are actually in love with you or boyfriends who never will leave you or hurt you. I'm basically a hopeless romantic, and I feel a lot and care about people. To the point where I cry when someone famous wins an award, or when the perfect harmony is sung, and even at an occasional Walmart commercial. Don't even get me started on Up or Toy Story 3... Anyway in real life, it takes me a really long time to give myself to someone, friend or boy or anyone... But once I do I kind of can't stop and I end up loving way to hard for what is safe. With that being said getting my heart broken made me turn all my feelings off so that I wouldn't break down every second of every day. But I'll get to that portion of my life later. As I said, I am taking a semester off of school. 


    Truth is, I love my school. I love my friends. I love my team. I love spending all my time there and having fun. Sadly, I spent the past semester in a fantasy world where there would be no consequences or that I could literally just coast, not show up, and figure it all out in the end. I was obviously wrong. So I decided to take the semester off for a few reasons. One, was to screw my head back on to my shoulders the right way, because my head was usually tucked away in my closet or somewhere else hidden for the majority of the semester. Two, I wanted to be away from all the drama and all the people at school who I didn't want to see. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the stupid things, like seeing a boy that treated me wrong or just having to deal with the gossip after every single weekend. Three, I really dug myself into a hole academically and instead of having to try and dig myself out while I wasn't ready I figured to take some time off and re-center myself I could go back and deal with that all when I was strong again. Four, I needed to figure out who I was/am. Which I don't know if I will accomplish but I needed to give it a shot without a bunch of people around me. I needed some "me time." Five, I did a lot of things I regretted this semester and although part of me wanted to go back and face them head on I knew I wasn't ready. I also had faced a lot of them already so I was pretty much over doing that anymore. Six, I knew there were people who cared about me that I had hurt up there, especially one boy in particular and I figured not seeing me around being depressed and upset all the time would help him as much as it would help me. 


      Anyway, so since I've been home I have been missing my friends at school and the people who really cared about me. I pushed a lot of people away this semester. Like a lot. Basically every person that had ever showed any concern in my well being. Every friend that I had going into this semester I either hurt or cut out of my life. I didn't want to feel anything towards anyone this semester because I was hurting so much inside. For a number of different reasons. I've been trying to mend some of my friendships and I've been trying to mend my own heart. Because I know I can't stand with someone else before I am completely comfortable standing by myself. One of my friends told me that this year and it is true, not only with a boyfriend situation but with any of my friends. I can't be a friend to someone if I can't get out of my own head and realize I am not a victim. That same friend told me that recently too. She's a smart girl. 


     So this blog is all about me trying to be fearless. And I know that when I return to school next fall I will be fearless. That doesn't mean I won't be scared sometimes or that I won't have some doubts. But through all of those I will believe in myself. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. So here is to new beginnings and fresh starts. Here is to starting over and to mending old friendships. Here is to becoming fearless.